Bonfire Night

Nearly forgot, Bonfire Night tonight, the night that Jake hides under the settee.

For those of a non-UK persuasion, this is what the whole schmozzle is all about.

A Guide to Bonfire NIght

Just for those foreign people who may not understand this "Bonfire Night" that we speak of this weekend, here is the JerryChicken Guide to The Gunpowder Plot.

More English history lessons for those who didn't pay attention at school to follow

Remember, remember, anytime in November

Yes its that time of year again when we Brits celebrate the fact that in 1605 a bunch of anarchist catholics were caught red-handed in the act of blowing up the parliament of King James I, caught by a valiant counter terrorist squad of highly alert Kings security guards - despite the fact that the conspiritors had , for several days, being wheel-barrowing enough gunpowder to blow a big hole across most of London into the cellars of the Houses of Parliament, maybe giving the highly alert Kings security guards a cheeky wave each morning with a "Phew ! More of this gunpowder eh ? What does he want with it all ?"

And so in those enlightened days of criminal psychology and rehabilitation we hung each of the conspiritors until they were almost dead, then disemboweled them until they were almost dead, and then dragged them through the streets until they were almost dead and then chopped them up and stuck various bits of their body on spikes all around London - I always liked that bit of the story as a child, "hung, drawn and quartered" the teacher would say, and we'd make her describe exactly what it meant, correcting her if she tried to use the recommended and sanitised version for five year olds.

Full and sanitised version here.

And in celebration of the fact that we succesfully quashed the catholic uprising, the bas'tads, we joyfully burn efigies of ringleader Guy Fawkes every 5th November, and have done ever since an act of parliament in 1605 made it compulsory for us all to do so, even now in England you can be hanged by the neck until almost dead for not celebrating Bonfire Night with at least a sparkler or two - except in Scotland where it is not compulsory as Guy Fawkes had also expressed a desire "to blow the Scots back to Scotland" and except at a public school in York where Guy Fawkes was an old boy and they don't burn efigies of old boys.

And thats where the story should end, but I haven't moaned about anything yet, haven't done the grumpy old git thing, pray tarry a little longer kind sir, and read on ...

Last night daughter Mk2 went to her friends house from whence they then travelled to Roundhay Park to watch a public bonfire - Roundhay Park is the biggest expanse of open parkland in the city of Leeds and as it has a natural amphitheatre its where all the big public events are held.

The authorities are not to keen on letting us citizens legally loose with fireworks and gunpowder at this time of year, let alone allowing us to build huge bonfires in our streets and gardens where we inevitably and accidently usually set fire to someones property, and so they try and encourage us all to attend public bonfires and public firework displays - the one at Roundhay Park is usually very spectacular I'm told although I've never been because the idea of queueing in traffic whilst 50,000 people try and get away at the end does not light one bit of enthusiasm in my mind.

But wait I hear you say, last night was only the 3rd of November, Sunday night is the 5th, Bonfire Night is the 5th, on the 3rd November Guy Fawkes was still wheel-barrowing kegs of gunpowder past the noses of the ever vigilant Kings security guards, why have a bonfire on the 3rd November ?

I don't fekking know is my reply, ask the fekking council is my reply.

For most of the month of October reckless shopkeepers start stocking fireworks, some of which cost £10's each, some of which could probably make lunar orbit if you tied two of them together, and young children of four or five years of age are allowed to buy such explosives and hide them in their nurseries, sneaking them past nanny and mummy each night to explode them inthe streets outside, to their friends great amusement - and every year grumpy old bas'tads complain about the sale of fireworks in the news media and demand a ban to Bonfire Night and fireworks and anything else that gets on their tits.

The grumpy old sods would see an end to private celebrations of Bonfire Night and the compulsory attendance of all citizens to public displays the likes of the one at Roundhay Park, and in a small way the Leeds City Council support this point of view with exhaltations in the local news for citizens to gather at several public places to enjoy a properly organised, health and safety executive approved, bonfire and firework display - ie you have to stand half a mile away and upwind of the smoke lest someone makes a claim for a lost eye or toxic impregnated lungs.

Police and Fire Service officials warn of dire consequences if anyone is caught letting off fireworks or burning bonfires before the 5th November, because of course its illegal, and naughty.

So on the 5th November this year I will gather myself at Roundhay Park to watch the grand Leeds City Council Public Display of celebration of the crushing of a disparate act of religious fervour 401 years ago - and I'll be stood there all on my own because the fekkin council had their fekking celebration last fekkin night - two fekkin days early - the bas'tads.

Jodie said it was good though.


PS - you can colour in the picture at the top of this article.

A controlling order too far ?

Police in England are determined to stamp down on anti-social behaviour on Hallow'een according to a report on the BBC.

Which is all fair and good, apart from the comment right at the end of that report from a spokesperson for Warwickshire Police who states "...they're the ones we will be cracking down hard on and that sort of behaviour can be knocking and running away from doors, ringing doorbells and running away"

A fixed penalty notice of £80 is available for issue by police for such heinous crimes as knocking on doors and running away and while no-one could argue with the police patrolling the streets to keep an eye open for gangs of youths causing criminal damage to property (for instance) then you have to raise an eyebrow at the waste of police time (and overtime) in putting extra officers and vehicles on the streets to "crack down hard (sic) on ringing doorbells and running away"

The celebration of Hallow'een is a fairly recent phenominum in the UK, hard on the heels and overshadowed as it is by bonfire night on the 5th Nov. When ah wor nobbut a lad in Yorkshire we had "mischievous night" on the 4th Nov during which we kids could knock on doors and run away with impunity, safe from £80 on the spot fines

Note for Non-Uk readers - Bonfire Night celebrates the capturing of a group of renegades who had plotted to blow up the Houses of Parliament in 1605 in a bid to ressurect a catholic monarch onto the throne of England - the plotters were caputred in the act of preparing the explosives in the cellers of Parliament on the 5th November and in accordance with the law of the country were not handed out an £80 on the spot fine but instead were hung until nearly dead, viscerated (de-gutted), dragged through the streets of London behind horses, then split asunder with swords (quartered) and bits of them stuck on spikes in various public areas - a little harsh perhaps when a fixed penalty and a caution would have sufficed, but it was pre-Blair and pre-police-state.

Other "mischievous" acts available to us young whippersnappers on 4th Nov - the eve of the Gunpowder Plot when the barrels of explosives were allegedly delivered to Parliament - included smearing treacle on car or house door handles, tying rubbish bins to car bumpers and stuffing potatoes up car exhaust pipes - eeeh we were wicked little buggers and no question.

Now of course we have inherited the phenominum of Hallow'een from the USA and no-one can surely object to groups of small children and their parents visiting neighbouring doorsteps for "trick or treats" - the problem is that in our unique British yob society the Hallow'een celebration has simply served to extend "mischievous night" into five nights of anti-social behaviour, and where you get complaints of anti-social behaviour you get a knee-jerk reaction from government ministers who use the police as a large sledgehammer to crack a small walnut and thus ingratiate themselves with the public - its rule by tabloid headline in 2006 UK and this makes for a warm feeling of "goodness" amongst MP's.