Sunday, December 30, 2007

Women and the demon vacuum cleaner

Its a well known though rarely commented upon factum that women have a pact with a demon when they switch on a vacuum cleaner.

When they "vac" or "hoover" (dependant on the noun of choice) they are involuntarily possessed by a devil who lives inside the dust bag of each vacuum cleaner until such a time as they switch the bloody thing off and put it back in its cupboard - I've even known Ewbanks to have this ability to turn mild mannered housewife's into raging lunatical care-noughts who will vac up anything left lying around on the floor.

As a child I lost count of the amount of lego and meccano that I lost up inside my mothers vacuum cleaner, as an adult I nearly lost a child up inside our vacuum cleaner as the current Mrs JerryChicken ran over the hand of our firstborn when she was a toddler, skinning the knuckles of said hand - "She got in the way" was the only explanation we received - she was possessed.

All of our furniture has battered legs at the same height as the vacuum cleaner rubber fenders, chairs, tables, settees that have stood in the same position in the same room for several years are rammed daily with the vacuum cleaner as if they had just jumped out suddenly into its path, Jake the dog is rightly terrified of losing his tail up inside the thing and flees whichever room is currently being "vacc'd", I've had the very socks sucked off my feet by her and her terrible machine and so now I flee the room with Jake and we sit together on the bottom step of the stairs, holding onto each other until its all over.

And its Jakes fault that we have to go through this terrible ordeal at least twice a day for Jakes long Retrievers hair and fluffy undercoat falls out constantly and she gets the vac out almost hourly to follow after him - you remember James Dyson, inventor of the Dyson Vacuum Cleaner and his promise of a lifetimes guarantee on his product ?

Well he lies, speaks with a forked tongue, Dysons last narry a year in our house, we've had dozens of them and they now lie with the ultimate ignomy of the vacuum cleaner, covered in dust, at the back of our garage whilst the latest one flogs it guts out sucking the very pile off our carpets twice, thrice a day, she's possessed when she holds the handle, grows horns when she kicks the button to start up the devils implement, grins manically as she swooshes around the room, woman and machine in perfect harmony seeking out small items to send to a cyclonic deathcamp.

My latest theory is that there is something in the pitch of the motor that lies in perfect corrolation with a womans hormonal vibes for I have yet to see a male be so possessed and so eager to do the "vacc-ing", to "do the vacc-ing" holds some sort of sexual gratification to the female and lets face it chaps, if getting your rocks off was as simple as "vacc-ing" then we'd be at it all day wouldn't we ?

Yup, I reckon thats it, we've long suspected that they only need us for farming our baby juices during their limited breeding cycle - that and providing half the excuse to get the vac out again...


Anonymous said...

Hmmm!! That looks like my Nan :)

Are you going to Vote on Post Of The Year?

grannymar said...

You would never notice the house was clean if we didn't make noise about it. It's our version of playing with cars!

CresceNet said...
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Anonymous said...

Ha ha - good stuff.

Eddie Izzard has a funny bit about hoovering (on Youbube I think).

Happy New Year!

Gary said...

Its the devils work is vacc'ing, no good shall come of it.

I'll have a search for Eddie Izzard too...