Our swish new library...

Following on from my recent reclassification as an old codger I visited our swish new library yesterday afternooon, brand new it is, just opened, and for some strange reason I had some books that were due back yesterday, don't ask me why because I didn't take them out on a Monday...

So I sneaked in during the afternoon, during the time that all rightfull people of my age should be at work and the only people who do inhabit libraries at that time are old codgers....like me for instance.

It was full of old codgers.

Now the thing about this new library is that it is very swish, they have "chipped" all the books so that you don't wait for a miserable old woman behind the counter to stamp your book with a rubber date stamp any more, oh no, you just swipe your library card inside a new machine, put your books in a hole in said machine, and it checks them out for you, very impressive - it even growls at you like the old woman behind the counter used to, just to make you feel at home.

The problem is with this new technology is that most of the users of the library are old codgers, like me then, and they don't understand or embrace this new technology.

They had a librarian standing next to the new checkout machines yesterday, which sort of defeats the object of having machinery do the work of a librarian if you then have to get a librarian to do the work that the machine is supposed to be doing, but I'm sure the accountants have taken account of this, or maybe not.

I can't help eavesdropping and/or people watchign at times like this, its simple pleasures like these that make me get out of bed in a morning...

Librarian to old lady ..."Put your card in this slot love"

"Where ?"

"Here, this slot"

"Why ?"

"To swipe your card"

"Why ?"

"To check your books out love"

"I'll take them to the counter"

"Well yes, you can, but you can check them out here too"

"Why ?"

"Its quicker"

"Where, what do I do then, what ?"

"Put your card in here"

"In here ?"

"Yes"

"ooh !"

"Right, now put your books in this hole"

"All of them ?"
"Yes"

"Just one at a time ?"

"No all of them"

"How does it know ?"

"It just does, put them in here, see where its all lit up ?"

"Ooh yes, in here then ?"

"Yes"

"Ooh"

"There, its done, would you like a printout"

"A what ?"

"A printout, it will tell you when to bring them back"

"Does it ?"
"Yes"

"Ooh"

They stand and stare at the machine for a while

"I'll just go to the desk and get the lady to do it shall I ?"

"No you've already done it"

"Have I ?"

"Yes"

"Do I have to do it this way ?"

"Well you have a choice"

"I'll just go to the lady at the desk when I bring them back I think love"

I saw the librarian mouth "for fooks sake" while smiling at her.

Near the door were a very old pair of codgers, husband and wife, looked like they were ancient Victorians, christ knows how they had managed to get to the library under their own power or what day they had left home to get there, but getting back was apparently a problem...

Wife to Husband, "Shall I go get the car then ?"

"What ?"

"Shall I go get the car then, are you finished"

"Yus"

"Shall I go get the car then"

"Yus"

"Only problem is you drove it into the parking space"

"Well ?"

"Well it means I'll have to reverse it out, I don't like doing that"

"Oh"

"What do you think"

"What"

"Shall I go get the car then"

"Yus"

"Its just the reversing, see, reversing"

"Aye"

"I don't like it"

"No"

"So what do you think ?"

"Well we'll have to walk then"

"Can you manage ?"

"I think so, get me up"

I had to walk across the library and hide behind a bookcase at that point in case they needed someone younger and fitter to lift him out of his chair and onto the TWO walking sticks that he had, one for each bad leg.

You see I once got involved with an old codger who wanted me to hold his arm as he walked across an icy pub car park - I got him safely to the other side without him slipping and breaking any hip bones but I fell on my arse twice on the way and he had to pick me up and when we got to the road and I asked him if he'd walk me back to the pub he called me a cheeky young bugger.

I passed the old couple on sticks when I left the library, they were managing about five yards to the hour so god knows where they had abandoned the car which the wife couldn't reverse.

I'm not really like these people am I ?

Am I ?

The Concession Ticket.

Yesterday was the National Leagues Grand Final day at Headingley.

To the uninitiated the sport is Rugby League and the National Leagues in question are the equivalent of divisions two, three and four - the grand finals are the culmination of the season and are the way by which we decide who is promoted to the league above, an all or nothing game potentially worth, without exageration, millions to the winners.

Its a great day out, three finals of the great game and another forward thinking idea by the Rugby Football League.

This year it was held in Leeds and 20,800 attended and created a great atmosphere all day in the pubs of Headingley and inside the ground, I love Grand Finals day - the Super League (div 1) Grand Final is next week at Old Trafford, Manchester with a 72,000 capapcity sell out.

But something else, something much more momentious happened yesterday, something which will have dramatic implications on me for the rest of my lfe.

See the image above ?
Thats my actual matchday ticket that is.

My good friend Rikky blagged it for me, a freebie, good news eh ?

Notice anything a little strange about it ?
Something that isn't quite what it should be ?
No ?
Look again.

Look very hard - see the bit that says "Senior Citizen" ?
Thats means that the ticket is intended for a pensioner, someone above the age of 65.
Someone not at all like me.

We stood outside the ground, Rikky and I and we regarded the free ticket with concern - which of us two would most easily pass for a pensioner ?

Seeing as I have at least 30 years on him, it was decided that I should try and blag the turnstile operator with the ticket, so I did.

And the bastard didn't even hesitate to let me through, and then a steward who checked out tickets further inside the ground didn't even blink at the ticket and its bearer either - bugger.

So there we have it - two weeks past I celebrated my 51st birthday and already I pass easily for an old bugger, it won't be long now before undertakers start pressing their business cards into my palms as I walk past their offices, promising to "see me off in a grand style, have you ever thought of our easy payment plan sir"

Sunday 7th October 2007 - the day I was accepted as a member of the old gits club.

Buggers, the lot of them.

And as for you Rikky, you didn't have to laugh for quite so long, a short chortle would have sufficed.