Investments, commodities, pensions, and all that jazz

Like many people I sat watching Sky News last night and their coverage of the light aircraft crash into a Manhattan apartment, it makes for good live TV, tragedy and all that, but its better than watching soaps.

And then while I was watching the live coverage some prat in red braces appeared and informed the viewing public that the Dow Jones Index had just plumeted because of the accident, presumably because selling imaginary corn and coffee is directly affected by how careless some pilots can be.

Just how crazy is the world market in stocks and commodities ?

Young people who are legally allowed to take other peoples (usually older peoples investments) money and pretend to buy things that may or may not exist, at a price which they think is cheap, in the hope that they can resell them sometime later at a price that they hope is expensive, and whilst they are using real money to do this, the thing that they have just bought and sold may not even exist away from a computer screen.

And the business is growing.

I know its growing because they've run out of other young brokers to sell their imaginary goods to and they've started cold calling ordinary people on the phone to ask if they want a share of the imaginary stuff that they are buying and then selling - I know this because at least once a week I take a call from some very excitable young person, sometimes American, sometimes British, and the call goes something like this ...

"Hi !!! "
"Hello"
"How are you today !!!"
"OK"
"Good, hey listen" (I hate it when people tell me to listen, just hate it), "Hey listen, I'm Elmer Fekkwittstein from United Corporate Buying Imaginary Stuff Corporation and Associates, and I want to tell you about..."
"No thank you"
"Pardon !!!"
"No thank you"
"I've got a great deal going down today on moonunit commodities, you may want to buy in with me !!!"
"No thank you"
"Why not !!! Its great !!! Its a great investment my friend!!!"
"I don't invest"
"You don't invest !!!"
"No"
"Oh !!!"

Phone line goes dead as either he or I put the phone down.

One day I will be in an evil enough mood to go along with the conversation, in the same way that one day I will be evil enough to go along with one of those letters from Nigeria that promise me zillions of dollars from a dead government officers slush fund if only I will hand over control of my bank account to a person who's identity I have no idea of - its the same thing.

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Which brings me back to my pensions.

Last month I mentioned just how well my pension plans seem to be going.

HM Government were promising me the excellent sum of £109.56 per week as a reward for having handed over some inconsiderable pittance of money to them over the 50 years that I would have been working by the time I earn the right to that kings ransom of a free income.

I also had a defunct pension plan with Friends provident who, and I am still staggered by the riches that await me, have promised me the grossly obscene sum of £55.12 per year as a pension.

But,

If that weren't enough I also have two other little beauties up my sleeve.

The female to whom I am betrothed and I have both been squirreling away the princely sum of £200 each, per month, into two seperate pension schemes which are administered by Nat West, our wankers - sorry, bankers.

With the tax relief added back in thats the equivalent of £240 per month - each - for about fifteen years now, with another fifteen years until I get to retire.

So I asked them for a statement.

And they've sent one statement - haven't sent mine yet, they've sent her's.

When she retires, they will take the sum of money that we've been handing over and in terms of today values they will pay her the staggering sum of £140 per month as a pension.

Wait,

Yes thats right, £140 per month.











No, I don't understand this investment lark either.








Lets look at that again.

You give me £240 a month for nigh on 30 years.

And when you reach 65 years of age, I give you back, £140 a month until you die.

So I get to keep all of your £240's for 30 years and I get to do with them whatever I want to do because you've signed a document giving me permission to "invest" the money, and I can "invest" the money in whatever I want for thirty years.

And then when you are 65 I have to give you £140 a month back.

And until you die, I am £100 a month up on the deal, for the next 30 years.







I think thats about the sum of it - have I missed anything ?











Would anyone like to invest in a pension scheme that I'm thinking of starting up ?

Pensions and all that guff

One day I'll look like this old man.
And when I do its nice to know that the British Government will be there, standing by, to support and nurture me in the twilight of my days.
No really.

Yesterday I received a letter from a Government Department called "The Retirement Pension Forecasting Team".

Now I'll ignore the irony of the fact that "The Retirement Pension Forecasting Team" are a group of civil servants on the promise of a very nice civil service pension forecast thank you very much, and that Dave Stirling who signed the letter as the Pension Centre Manager is probably a lifelong civil servant on a final salary pension scheme - no I'll ignore all of that irony and concentrate on what they've promised me instead.

Just one month ago I received a pensions forecast from a company who promised wrap my retirement future in roses and chocolates, leave it to us they said, you'll be taking world cruises with all the other old bas'tads twice a year on the pension that we're going to provide for you, just give us some money and we'll sort it all out for you, just don't ask us what we're doing with your money because you won't like the answer.

Well, those good people at Friends Provident have excelled themselves and so far are promising the incredible sum of £55.12 for my pension.

Per annum that is.

To be fair its a dormant scheme, one that I haven't contributed to for 15 years, but still, I gasp at the kings ransom that I can expect when I reach 65, I do hope they can pay it out weekly and not as an annual lump sum, I don't think I could cope with all that money all at once.


So yesterday HM Government wrote to me to inform me what they are going to pay me as my official state pension in 15 years time. Before I stagger you all with the large sums involved you have to know one thing. I am now officially 50 years old. I started work at 17 years of age. I have never been out of work. I have only changed my job once and I changed within the same day, I left my old employer at lunchtime and started my new job straight after lunch.

So I've been in work and contributing to the state scheme for 33 solid years - so far.

My forecasted state pension will be equivalent to £109.56 in todays money.

So its all been worthwhile then hasn't it ?

Of course the mainpurpose for this letter is to put the fear of god up people like me and get them to start saving for their retirement now, its the first small baby step on the road to HM Government telling people like me to "fuck right off" when I turn up at the Post Office with my pension book in fifteen years time.

As it happens I do have a private pension scheme, both myself and my wife have made what I feel are substantial contributions into it via our company for many years now and so I can relax in the knowledge that NatWest will have invested wisely and will be sure to keep me wrapped in luxury consumer goods and world cruises until the end of my days.

Wait a minute though - this would be the same NatWest who took £10,000 of my money in 1998 and "invested" it in two ISA's, then two years later told me that I had the grand total of £6,000 left ? The same NatWest who five years later handed me back the princely sum of £10,124 for my five year investment ?

Those are the wankers - sorry, bankers - that I speak of ?

I'm bursting with confidence, no really I am.

Just for fun I'll be contacting the be-suited red-braced tools at NatWest next week for a pensions forecast, I could do with a good laugh, I bet there's no-one in their office who has the balls to read the figures out over the phone.


The bottom line is that pensions are a Government issue and yet succesive governments have weasled their way into a position where they have almost convinced the population that pensions are our problem and not theirs, just because its too difficult an issue for them to sort out.

Well actually its not so difficult as MP's have sorted their pensions out just fine, and they've got a good grip on most civil service schemes too, but the rest of us can go fuck ourselves, in fact its probably the only pleasure that we will get after we've retired on £100 a week.

Its a Government issue, and the prospective parliamentary party who stand up at the next election and promise that they will sort out the abject failure that is the state pension scheme once and for all will get my vote and I don't care who they are - Nazi party, the Reverend Moon, I don't care.

So,

Where can I go on my 2021 cruise ship ?