When your Hi-Fi starts calling your name...

My father was not a man to throw his money around willy-nilly and so the day that he announced that he had replaced his old "music centre" (which he had naturally bought second hand) with a brand new state-of-the-art Aiwa Hi-Fi caused eyebrows to be raised within the JerryChicken household.

He had bought the smaller model of the one that I already had from, of all places, a furniture store - if you have ever wondered who on earth is ever tempted to buy electrical goods from a furniture store then the answer is people like our dad on his once in a lifetime fecklessness trip.

A few days later I was sat in my house when the phone rang...

"You've got an Aiwa system haven't you ?"
"Yes dad"
"How do you code your name into it ?"
"Eh ?"
"How do you code your name into it ?"
"Why would you want to do that ?"
"You have to code your name into it so that it shows your name on the screen when you switch it on"
"Don't be daft"
"You do"
"It shows your name on screen when you switch it on ?"
"Yes"
"Mine doesn't"
"Mine does, it says Geoff"
"Geoff ?"
"Yes, Geoff, I think its a second hand one, someone called Geoff has programmed his name in"
"What does the instruction book say"
"It says nothing, doesn't mention programming your name in"
"Well mine doesn't"
"Come around and have a look"

I was often ordered to "come around and have a look" when he couldn't work something out, I lost count of the amount of times I had to go and program his video recorder when he was going out somewhere.

I arrived at his house, he switched his new Hi-Fi on, sure enough it said "Geoff" on the LCD display.

"Its bloody second hand" he told me, a bit more annoyed now, "I'm taking it back, they've bloody conned me with a second hand stereo"
"Give me the instruction book"

I read the instructions from cover to cover, there was no mention of the function that allowed you to program your name into the system so that it welcomed you when you switched it on, no mention at all.

"You'll have to take it back then" I told him
"Bloody conning buggers" he muttered, "I'll bloody tell them, flogging a second hand stereo to me, how did this Geoff manage to programme his name in anyway ?"
"I don't know" I told him, "I can't see anywhere where you can do this"
"Bloody conning buggers"


It was some time later when I'd returned home that the penny dropped...

I rang him...

"Dad, has your stereo got a graphic equaliser ?"
"A what ?"
"A graphic equaliser"
"What do you mean ?"
"Does it say graphic equaliser anywhere in the instructions ?"
"Do you want me to look ?"
"Well, yes"
"Bloody hell"

I sat and waited on the phone while he rustled lots of paperwork around , then picked up the phone again...

"There's a chapter in the manual that says graphic equaliser, what is it ?"
"Its a posh way of saying Bass and Treble"
"Bloody hell"
"Does it say anything about switching the graphic equaliser on and off ?"
"Wait a minute while I go get my glasses"

I waited for more than a minute while he went to get his glasses and then read the instruction book.

"Yes it says theres a button round the back where you can switch the graphic equaliser on or off"
"Thats it then"
"Whats it then ?"
"Thats what its saying when you switch the Hi-Fi on"
"What, when it says Geoff ?"
"Yes, its not saying Geoff, its saying Graphic Equaliser Off"

There was a long pause, a very long pause.

"Bloody hell"

And he put the phone down.


I still think it would be a good idea to have your stereo welcome you by name though, his did as long as you were called Geoff.