Pensions and all that guff

One day I'll look like this old man.
And when I do its nice to know that the British Government will be there, standing by, to support and nurture me in the twilight of my days.
No really.

Yesterday I received a letter from a Government Department called "The Retirement Pension Forecasting Team".

Now I'll ignore the irony of the fact that "The Retirement Pension Forecasting Team" are a group of civil servants on the promise of a very nice civil service pension forecast thank you very much, and that Dave Stirling who signed the letter as the Pension Centre Manager is probably a lifelong civil servant on a final salary pension scheme - no I'll ignore all of that irony and concentrate on what they've promised me instead.

Just one month ago I received a pensions forecast from a company who promised wrap my retirement future in roses and chocolates, leave it to us they said, you'll be taking world cruises with all the other old bas'tads twice a year on the pension that we're going to provide for you, just give us some money and we'll sort it all out for you, just don't ask us what we're doing with your money because you won't like the answer.

Well, those good people at Friends Provident have excelled themselves and so far are promising the incredible sum of £55.12 for my pension.

Per annum that is.

To be fair its a dormant scheme, one that I haven't contributed to for 15 years, but still, I gasp at the kings ransom that I can expect when I reach 65, I do hope they can pay it out weekly and not as an annual lump sum, I don't think I could cope with all that money all at once.


So yesterday HM Government wrote to me to inform me what they are going to pay me as my official state pension in 15 years time. Before I stagger you all with the large sums involved you have to know one thing. I am now officially 50 years old. I started work at 17 years of age. I have never been out of work. I have only changed my job once and I changed within the same day, I left my old employer at lunchtime and started my new job straight after lunch.

So I've been in work and contributing to the state scheme for 33 solid years - so far.

My forecasted state pension will be equivalent to £109.56 in todays money.

So its all been worthwhile then hasn't it ?

Of course the mainpurpose for this letter is to put the fear of god up people like me and get them to start saving for their retirement now, its the first small baby step on the road to HM Government telling people like me to "fuck right off" when I turn up at the Post Office with my pension book in fifteen years time.

As it happens I do have a private pension scheme, both myself and my wife have made what I feel are substantial contributions into it via our company for many years now and so I can relax in the knowledge that NatWest will have invested wisely and will be sure to keep me wrapped in luxury consumer goods and world cruises until the end of my days.

Wait a minute though - this would be the same NatWest who took £10,000 of my money in 1998 and "invested" it in two ISA's, then two years later told me that I had the grand total of £6,000 left ? The same NatWest who five years later handed me back the princely sum of £10,124 for my five year investment ?

Those are the wankers - sorry, bankers - that I speak of ?

I'm bursting with confidence, no really I am.

Just for fun I'll be contacting the be-suited red-braced tools at NatWest next week for a pensions forecast, I could do with a good laugh, I bet there's no-one in their office who has the balls to read the figures out over the phone.


The bottom line is that pensions are a Government issue and yet succesive governments have weasled their way into a position where they have almost convinced the population that pensions are our problem and not theirs, just because its too difficult an issue for them to sort out.

Well actually its not so difficult as MP's have sorted their pensions out just fine, and they've got a good grip on most civil service schemes too, but the rest of us can go fuck ourselves, in fact its probably the only pleasure that we will get after we've retired on £100 a week.

Its a Government issue, and the prospective parliamentary party who stand up at the next election and promise that they will sort out the abject failure that is the state pension scheme once and for all will get my vote and I don't care who they are - Nazi party, the Reverend Moon, I don't care.

So,

Where can I go on my 2021 cruise ship ?