Dealing with self obsessed idiots

There are lots of disadvantages to owning your own business, long hours, huge responsibility, big potential for financial suicide if it all goes wrong, and the ever present spectre of HM Government leeching your profits off you in ever-more ingenious ways.

But sometimes things work in your favour.

Like being able to tell customers, or even potential customers to fuck right off and stop pestering you.

We do this on a fairly regular basis with those customers who have become a vexation to the spirit, I'm sure I don't need to explain that you occasionally meet people in your life who just irritate the hell out of you, generally because no matter what you do for them, it will never be good enough. They are the born complainers, they are never happy and the sound of their voice on the phone just plunges you into depths of despair that you never thought existed.

In an ordinary salaried job you have to bear these people like a huge millstone around your neck, you have to be subserviant to them, apologise constantly and try and find ways to appease them, although you know its an impossible task - if you don't do any of this stuff you are likely to find yourself bollacked by your boss for upsetting customers and losing business.

At my company you are allowed to tell these people to fuck right off and stick their business up their arses, followed by a recomendation that they ring our competitors and pester them instead, all our employees have this right ordained on them, they only have to ask for the key to the cupboard, explain why the customer is a pain in the arse, and I will grant them full "fuck right off" rights - we have a lot of fun with this precedure, but we realised two years ago that 90% of our time was being spent trying to appease 2% of our customers, so we told them to fuck right off and we've been much happier since, and we still make a profit.

For instance,

I received a phone call last Friday from a guy in a staffing agency who was so far up his own arse that he will never have a problem with prostate cancer, he'll see it developing long before anyone else. He commenced this huge, long pre-prepared speech about how he had to prepare a tender for a contract with "a large soft drinks manufacturer in Wakefield" to which I interrupted "you mean coca-cola", he confirmed a little suprised as if it were a secret that Coke has been canned at Wakefield for the last ten years, I muttered the word "wanker" under my breath.

I sent him a quote for some of our equipment and software, itemising everything and hoped that I wouldn't hear from him again, he had irritated the hell out of me in just a few minutes conversation but to be honest I've found that the same sort of wankers tend to work in the staff agency business, it must be a pre-requisite for the job.

Monday he rang and left a message for me to ring him, I didn't so he sent me an email asking if I'd go and see him "for an important meeting", his use of the word "important" meaning that he was the important element - I've been to these meetings before, you are meeting with someone who hasn't even won the contract yet and yet still wants to impress you as though he is the world best negotiator - I've sat in front of, and wasted so much time on these pre-tender staff recruitment wankers that I just don't do it anymore.

I emailed him back saying that I could go any day this week, he replied with the answer "you are making me work really hard for this, come on Friday, tell me a time". This answer did it for me, if he thought he was working hard now then he'd have to work fucking harder to get to speak to me again.

He rang all day Tuesday, he emailed me all day Tuesday, trying to get a time arranged, people in the office fended him off while I told them that I had no intention of speaking to him.

I picked the phone up on Wednesday morning and he was on the other end, he sounded pissed off, which is exactly what I wanted him to be, I went into belligerent mode, he demanded to know what time I would be meeting him on Friday.

"I'm not coming" I replied
"Well it very important that you do, I need some answers for my tender documents"
"What are your questions"
"I'm getting the impression that you don't want my business"
"Yes"
"But I need these questions answering"
"Ask me the questions now"

This threw him slightly, I heard him throw the phone down on the desk and shuffle through reams and reams of paper, complaining all the while, muttering stuff like "I don't believe this, I don't believe this"

He came back to the phone, I was laughing out loud at him and sharing the joke with my brother who was sat opposite wondering what was going on.

"Can this equipment be accessed remotely" he asked, question one.
"Yes" I replied, "Thats why we've itemised a modem on your quote"
"Can it link to Sage payroll" question two
"Yes, thats why theres an item on the quote that says Sage payroll link"

Silence.

If I'd gone all the way to his office that would have been the sum total of our meeting.

"Are there any other companies apart from yours who sell this stuff"
"Yes"
"Where"
"Yellow Pages"

I put the phone down, he didn't ring back.

Its times like those that make it all worth while.