Thursday, September 27, 2007

Coming home a cowboy...

"...like I say Elsie, I just don't know which way to turn since he came back, he's a bloody handfull I'll tell you that"
"I'll bet he is love, ah don't know 'ow you cope with the police round your door every verse end"
"Ah know, they were 'ere twice yesterday"
"Ah know ah saw them"
"Ah thought you would"
"Ah wasn't nosy-ing or anything love"
"Oooh no, ah wasn't saying you were"
"Ah wor just looking through curtains when they came"
"Course you were"
"What did they want any road ?"
"Shooting his guns off again in t'bloody Arndale Centre"
"Nivver, not again ?"
"Aye, and give 'is wrong name out again"
"Who is he this week then ?"
"Same as last"
"Wyatt Earp ?"
"Aye, Wyatt Earp Clutterbuck, bloody stupid name if you ask me"
"Still its better than Hopalong Clutterbuck"
"Ah suppose so"
"Did they tek his guns off him this time ?"
"No they said they can't, they're only kiddies cap guns"
"Thank god for that"
"I'm at me wits end Elsie, so are the bobbies, they say if they have to arrest him any more they'll ave him put away"
"Put away, eeeh they wouldn't"
"They would Elsie, they put that Arthur Braithwaite away last month when he came home"
"Aye but he thought he was Winston Churchill, you can't go round thinking you're Winston Churchill, it confuses people"
"How would it confuse people, he looked nothing like Winston Churchill"
"Yes but they're not to know are they, for all they know he could be the real one and the next thing you know Arthur Braithwaite 'll be leading us all off to war again"
"I don't know who's more crackers, my Norman or you"
"You never know love, you never know, think on"

"Ah can't get the bloody grass stains out of his shirts either"
"I heard he fell off his horse, was he alright"
"I wish he was alright, but he's bloody not is he, not in the head, it might do him good if he fell on his head next time"
"They are nice shirts though aren't they, those cowboy shirts, very nice, I told my George, very nice I said, mind he thought they were a bit effiminate but you know my George, if its not a blue shirt then its effiminate"
"They're a bugger to iron, oooh they're a bugger, right thick cotton they are and them tassles on the sleeves, I've told him, I'm not ironing them tassles, but he won't have it"
"You're a saint love, I don't know how you cope"
"I've to put up with it Elsie, what can I do ?"
"You can only do your best love"
"They should never have sent him home a cowboy like that"
"I don't know what they were thinking sending him home like that, its not right"
"You send your lad off to war like they say you should and that how they treat you, send him home a bloody cowboy, never a by your leave nor anything"
"Well you never of sent him if you'd known would you ?"
"Known he'd come back a cowboy, 'course I wouldn't have"
"Arthur Braithwaite came back as Winston Churchill"
"I know, I know, thats not right either"
"Course its not"
"And what do they do to help ? Nothing thats what"
"Haven't they sent anyone round ?"
"Have they 'ummers like"
"eeee, thats awful love"
"They sent him home with a brown paper parcel with his demob suit in and a packet of pills for his nerves, god knows where he got the cowboy outfit from"
"Didin't they provide the cowboy outfit then"
"Well I don't know, they niver said, they've not been in touch since he came home, I mean, when his pants wear out I don't know where the next pair are coming from"
"No, I don't suppose you do love"
"I mean, where do you buy sheepskin chaps from ?"
"Is that what they call them, chaps ?"
"Aye, so he says, they're a bugger to wring out, oooh they hold the water you know"
"Don't Schofields have any ?"
"No, I've asked"
"Can't they order a pair in ?"
"They say they don't get any call for sheepskin cowboy chaps in Leeds, to be honest I didn't like the way they looked at me Elsie"
"They've allus been like that in Schofields though haven't they, snooty"
"Oooh snooty, I'll say, bloody stuck up cows, they're no better than us you know"
"I know, that one off Max Factor counter, she lives down the Normans you know"
"Does she, eeeh and she acts so high and mighty behind that counter, just you wait till I see her again, I'll give her 'Normans"

"He'll be wanting his tea soon"
"Is it beans again ?"
"Its not the beans I mind Elsie love, its cooking them out in't yard over a fire that I object to, not when we've a perfectly good cooker in t'scullery"
"I know love, I had smuts all over my Georges shirts last Monday"
"Well I'm sorry love, but he insists you see, he has to cook outside and while he's doing that he makes his father keep an eye down't back alley for Indians"
"I wondered what Don was doing walking up and down't alley"
"He's looking out for Indians see, they get attracted by't fire"
"Do they ?"
"So he says"
"Well I niver"

"...and if I've told him once I've told him a thousand times, that horse does not belong in our lavvie, its not right"
"Its not hygenic for one thing"
"Well its not hygenic in't middle of't night when you want a jimmy and the 'orse is in there fast asleep"
"Well, no..."
"I had to use yours the other night"
"I thought someone had had our paper"
"I'll replace it don't worry"
"No I was saying thats all, I noticed someone had had our paper, I'm not saying, just, thats all"
"I've got an Evening Post you can tear up, just as soon as Dons finished with it"
"I'm just saying thats all"
"You don't have to Elsie, I'll tear it up myself"
"Well thats good of you love, where did his horse come from anyway"
"A rag and bone man down on Burley Road, its got mange and it stinks to high heaven"
"We have noticed love"
"Still the kids like it"
"Its not right though, coming home a cowboy like that"
"They've niver said a word either"
"Its not right..."

4 comments:

Ms Jones said...

What Outfit are you wearing today ? ...lmao

Gary said...

I'm just a regular Mr Benn, me

Ms Jones said...

Could you tell me why my birth sign is Jungfrau on my profile please!

Amelia said...

"they get attracted by't fire"

I am snorting, I am choking with laughter, I have wet my pants.

You should be locked up.