Sunday, September 09, 2007

The Tomato Dip...

.........Bob goes to the scullery seeking something to keep Foxy quiet for five minutes while he explains his plans for the business but because he's been away for a week there is very little food in the larder apart from an old cake tin that his mother gave him several months ago, Bob prises it open with a knife and finds a wedge of fruit cake wrapped in greaseproof paper in there, Bob thinks that it may be from his mothers christmas cake eight months ago, it will have to do, he unwraps it and slaps it on a plate then takes it to Foxy who sits there waiting for him,

"Stick that in your gob and shutup for five minutes now"

"ooh christmas cake, smashing, have you got any cheese ?"

"No the mice had it away, now will you shut up and listen ?"

"Go on..."

"Thank christ for that, right, I won't be in on Monday ok ?"

"mmm" Foxy spits a few crumbs out of the corner of his mouth, "its a bit dry is this cake Bob, sure you haven't got any cheese ?"

"Drink your tea, I won't be in on Monday because I've got something to sort out, and I might not be in on Tuesday either"

Foxy just stares at him, "Come on then, out with it, what are you sorting out ?"

Bob takes a deep breath, "I'm buying a new car"

Foxy bursts out laughing spraying cake crumbs and dried fruit all over the hearth rug, "yer daft bugger, I thought you were going to say you were packing it in"

"I am"

Foxy stops laughing, wipes his mouth on the back of his hand, stares disbelieving at Bob, slurps from his chipped mug of tea, wipes his mouth again, "go on..." he urges

"I'm going to buy a car and then I'm going into property"

Foxy stares long and hard at Bob, "You're serious about this aren't you ?"


"Not got anything to do with this Brenda then ?"


"Well where's your money coming from then ?"

"I've been saving"

"Fuck off"

"No I have, I've got some put by, its time to spend it, time to try something different"

"Fuck off"

"No really Foxy, I've got a bit put by, out of the cafe you know, like I've been saying, its a goldmine is that place" so far Bob hasn't lied to his current business partner, after all the money did come out of the cafe.

"You bastard"

"You could have had some of it, I asked you when I bought the place"

"I know you did, but that cow had bled me dry, fucking hell I didn't know you were making that much out the place"

"Well, I keep saying..."

"I know, I know, I didn't believe you thats all"

"Well..." Bob shrugs his shoulders

"So what car are you buying, one of Powneys ?" Pete Powney is a mate of theirs who owns a small taxi and second hand car business under the dark arches railway viaducts in the centre of Leeds.

"No, I'm getting a new one"

"Fuck off"

"Yep" Bob is grinning now, he can't wait to see Foxys face, "I'm going down to Appleyards on Monday"

"Fuck me, you're getting a Vauxhall, what, a Viva or a Victor ?"

"No, Appleyards Jaguar"





"A Jag ?"


"Fuck off"

"No really"

"You bastard"

"I know"

Foxy stands and walks around the back of the settee, removes the grimy old flat cap that is a permanent fixture on his head and scratches his bald pate, something he only does when he is at his most perplexed.

"How much have you got put by then ?"


"Enough for a new Jag, thats a lot Bob, how much are they ?"

"Two grand"

"Fuck me" and Foxy sits back down again, pulls the flat cap down hard on his head, "you took two grand out of the till ?"

"Sort of"

"Don't get caught pal, you know what happened to me"

"I won't get caught, no-one apart from you knows about this brass"

"Bloody hell, eh - I get first go in it mind"

"Oh aye, I won't let you drive the pickup you're a bloody madhead you are, what makes you think you'll get to drive the Jag ?"

"Aye, I wouldn't let me drive me own Jag if I had one" Foxy shakes his head, "Bloody hell, I could have had some of that cafe and all, that bitch bled me dry she did"

"Well I did offer didn't I ?"

"I know, I know, bastard" Foxy removes his cap again, "what else was it that you said ?"

"What ?"

"You said something about property"

"Oh yes, I'm buying some property"

This time Foxy is suspicious, "You're selling this place ?"

"No, I'm keeping this place, I'll rent it out, you can rent it if you want" and Foxy nods and looks around the small living room appreciating it for the first time, its certainly better than his grubby little bedsit and he wonders how much rent Bob will charge.

"How much rent will you charge then ?"

"I'll do a deal for you"

"I bet you will, that Jag'll cost a fortune to run, I'm not paying your petrol bills with me rent money"

"I'll do you a deal Foxy, if you're interested"

"We'll see, where are you going to live then ?"


"Bloody hell"

"One of those new bungalows that we worked on last year"

"Get stuffed"

"Yeah, theres one up for sale, you know the one that we had to redo the central heating in, the one at the top of the hill, five-seven-fifty they want for it"

"You might get it cheaper if you tell them the heating's fucked again"

They both laugh out loud at Foxys joke, then sit quietly staring at the empty fireplace

"It'll be nice will that Bob, I hope you get a mortgage, they can be right bastards with self employed you know"

"I won't need a mortgage"

Bob turns to look at Foxy's face and wishes he hadn't, Foxy is sat with his mouth wide open displaying a gob full of half eaten fruitcake and a dribble of spit running down his chin

"You're paying cash for a house ?"

"Yep, thats what I said"

"Youre paying cash for a house and a Jag ?"


"How much fucking cash have you taken out of that till ?"

"Its a goldmine Foxy, a goldmine"

"It fucking must be, you bastard"

"And theres something else Foxy..."

"You're getting married"

"No I'm not getting married"

"Well who's going to look after that bungalow in Horsforth then, you can't do it"

"OK, Brenda might move in"

"I knew it, you lucky bastard, you can't keep owt from me you know, I know these things me"

"Thats not it Foxy, its, its, I might not be doing much plumbing in future"

Foxy once again stops chewing on his dry christmas cake and stares at Bob, "Go on..." he urges

"I want to buy some houses, do flat conversions, rent them out, that sort of thing"

The Tomato Dip
The story continues...

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