How can I say this ...

OK, this is rather delicate, and it may cause offence to those of a delicate constitution, it may even put some people of their meals, or going to the toilet ever again.

My arse is as sore as an extremely sore thing that has been rubbed with sandpaper to make it even sorer.

If your constitution is feeling delicate after reading that then now is the time to click somewhere else.

It started this morning, well no, I think it started last night.

You see we (the family) were going out last night, valentines night, for a chinese meal at a swish chinese (obvious) restaurant in Leeds but then I pointed out that as it was valentines night it would probably be fully booked and wouldn't it just be much easier to get a chinese meal and eat it at home, so we did, got the banquet for two plus a load of other stuff and filled the table. Included in the stuff was a dish of beef and cashew nuts, no-one else liked it so I wolfed the lot down.

Cut to the scene this morning and I'm sitting on the toilet as I do most mornings expecting a normal crap, I'm sitting there humming tunelessly and looking at the ceiling when suddenly something feels stuck.

Something was stuck, I'm blaming the chinese food last night but really it could have been a coincidence, except for the fact that I think that some of the cashew nuts had passed through undigested and I think that one of them was sticking out of the obstruction.

Now I did geology at school and I know how, during the last ice age, glaciers would slide ever so slowly down valleys and the bits of rock and stuff that they had picked up en route would carve out the valley sides into shapes that they hadn't been before, I know all that, I listened in geology.

And this morning all that geology suddenly came flooding back to me as the iceberg up my arse struggled to get through the normal sized opening that is loosely described as my arsehole.

I had to push, I just had to, there was no alternative other than to sit there all day and the kids needed taking to school soon, so unless I was to write a note to their teacher on a piece of toilet paper and stuff it under the toilet door with instructions to hand it to the headteacher, "dear headteacher, my kids were late for school today because a huge turd won't come out of my arse this morning, I think its the chinese meal we had last night, anyway, sorry about the kids being late", then I had no choice, I pushed.

My god it felt like I was pushing a bowling ball out of my arse, and the cashew nuts stuck in it brought tears to my eyes as they slowly, millimetre by millimetre scraped and scratched their way out of there, leaving striations that any geologist would go into raptures about and would cause a surgeon to reach for his gloves and face mask.

Eventually it came out, but I haven't been the same since.

This must be what childbirth is like.

My arse now feels three times bigger than it was yesterday and I daren't sneeze in case my dinnertime sandwich comes flying out, as yet undigested and twelve hours before it would normally exit the system.

I can't sit down, the whole of my bottom feels bruised and invaded, as if I'd just starred in "Nancy-boys do it with broom handles" it really hurts and its not fooking funny so stop laughing.

I write this in the interests of blogging and as a public information script - if you feel something stuck at anytime in the future, if something feels like its coming down sideways, then don't push, write a note to the headmaster and make your excuses for work, just let nature take its course, it will break down eventually, hopefully.

I'm limping off to bed now in the hope that the muscles can relax and restore overnight, tomorrow could be a long day.

Stop laughing at the back, its not funny.