Greybeards, IAM, and other observations...

Todays gripe at the world at large is about a section of society who are a vexation to the spirit in their never ending quest to tell the rest of us how we are doing things wrong and how we should be more like them.

Yes good people, today I am discussing greybeards.

I haven't a clue who the gentleman in the photo above is, but anyone who is reading this will recognise him, hell you might even be one yourself.

He is a greybeard and he knows all of lifes secrets.
And he never tires of telling you so.

What has brought on this sudden vicious attack on those for whom life has sapped the natural colouration from their very chin hair you may ask ?

Well driving the short distance (4 minutes), (I'm a lazy bas'tad) to work this morning I found myself listening to the lovely Georgie on Radio Leeds interviewing a representative from the Institute of Advanced Motorists, and without the aid of a visual reference (this is the radio remember) I just knew instictively that he had a greybeard.

You can tell immediately when greybeards are on the radio, its that air of condescend-ation (new word ?) that pervades everything they say, the clipped tones of someone who is totally confident in the fact that their facial decoration makes them far superior to any other member of the human race, unless that other person also has a greybeard in which case they are merely equals.

And theres another thing - you never see two greybeards together in the same place - I have no explanation other than, thats the way god planned it (with apologies to Billy Preston).

I've always fancied a go at the Institute of Advanced Motorists, I drive 25 to 30 thousand miles a year and have done for 33 years with only one collision (six months after I had started driving) to my name, so I think that I'm an OK sort of driver and would like to see what an IAM examiner thinks of me.

But I daren't go.

Because I know for a fact that the examiner would have a greybeard, and he'd talk smugly to me like the bloke on the radio was doing this morning, and I know, I just know, that at the first roundabout I would have had enough and would stop at the nearest bus stop, give him twenty pence for his fare back to his office and tell him to go do one.

Which would probably mean that I'd fail his examination and then my insurance company would get to know about it because the greybeard would feel obliged to tell them (he just would, they do that sort of thing), and then I'd be stuffed for car insurance, again.


Greybeard pervades all society, but there are precautions that you can take to avoid them - you will never eliminate them entirely from your life, but you can minimise your contact with them...

1. Avoid examination by the Institute of Advanced Motorists (see above)

2. Avoid any other form of self-important club or association, look regularly in your local free newspaper at the list of local society meetings such as camera clubs, gardening clubs, and especially hiking clubs, note the times and dates that they meet - then avoid all of them.

3. Do not go caravanning. Drive past a caravan being towed on a motorway on the Friday before a bank holiday and I will wager high odds with you that it is being driven by a greybeard, it follows that you should avoid Caravan Club campsites on bank holidays at all costs (see also point 2, club membership).

4. When looking for employment avoid the civil service as a career choice, it is riddled with middle management greybeards, all of whom book their flexitime leave on the Friday before a bank holiday. in fact the best time to go to a meeting at your local job centre, courthouse, tax office etc is on the Friday before a bank holiday, safe in the knowledge that you've just passed all the greybeards heading out of town on the motorway.

5. Avoid doctors surgeries, especially the ones who promise you that you'll feel nothing in a minute love, just this little injection and then you'll be fast asleep...


And with point 5 I rest my case.




And for those from outside of the UK who are now thinking "I've missed something here, that point 5 was a clue wasn't it ?", then you may wish to click here.