Only old people save...

Once again the press have demonstrated just how much hold they have on the populations mind and behaviour - reporting on the fact that the UK bank Northern Rock had applied to the Bank of England last Thursday for the facility to draw on an emergency loan to tide them over a possible future cash shortage has caused panic and hysteria in the legions of old people who use the bank as a savings tool.

For five days now thousands of old people have gathered outside branches of the beleagured bank in order to draw out their savings, within two days up to £2 billion had been withdrawn and presumably stuffed under their old people mattresses or tucked up inside their knicker elastic - and the women probably did something similar too.

All of this despite the Northern Rock chief exec imploring old people to "fook off and leave the money with me" and insisting that his company's £24 billion worth of investments was safe with him at home and he wouldn't let the nations old folks down would he ?

All of this panic despite the fact that even if the directors of the bank did a runner with the £24bill (how many suitcases ?) the old codgers savings were guaranteed to the sum of the first £2000 and then 90% of the next £33000, but no, this was not good enough for the nations saver pensioners who have now queued for five days in their thousands, most branches of the bank only serving ten or so people an hour because when they finally get to the front of the queue most of the customers are unsure of what they were queuing for.

Finally and in order to stop death by malnutrition in the streets of our city, Prime Minister Golden Brown (notice how we still have to prefix his name with "Prime Minister", it'll be a few years before we stop saying "Chancellor" ) had to step in and personally guarantee the assets of Northern Rock, in effect he ironically sold them a mortgage and so he now owns them, where on earth he found the £24 billion I don't know, maybe the Parliamentary Priviledges Commission should have a look at his pay slips sometime soon, he seems to be throwing his brass around a bit too freely for someone who "only" earns £170,000 a year.

The most ironic comment that I have heard came from an old lady who had queueing in the street of an anonymous town somewhere for three days to withdraw (her words) "my life savings", she further went on to say that she knew she shouldn't be doing this because it would only make the situation worse by making panic withdrawals, but, well, look, everyone else is aren't they...

So she stood in line for three days and the interviewer told her that as she was 100th in the queue it was unlikely that she'd be seen that day but she insisted that she'd stay there until her life savings were safely tucked up her knicker elasctic at which point she'd be mugged on the way home as were all of the investors who left the bank clutching wads of old style pound notes and white fivers, these representing their "life savings" for as everyone knows when you pay cash into a bank it goes in their safe wrapped up in rubber bands with your name on until you need to withdraw it again.

I can afford to be smug, for I have no "life savings", I don't comprehend the word "savings" and nor does anyone under the age of 60, when my bank goes bust I will laugh at the statuatory body's who can no longer leach money from my account via the direct debit scheme.

PS - in a final twist of irony the queueing pensioners were never told that a much simpler way exists of withdrawing your money from your bank account - write a cheque payable in cash to you and take it to another non-queueing bank.