Turnstile-phobia

I have recently discovered that my wife is riddled with a rare disease.

Turnstileitis.

Having bought a part season ticket for two seats in the posh new stand at the Leeds Rhinos Headingley ground I have invited her to partake of the rugby league action on three occasions recently - and each time she has buggered up the act of passing freely through a turnstile.

Now I've been doing the Headingley turnstiles since I was ten years old so its sort of incomprehensible to me that someone would not know how to use one, but they have become a complete mystery to her.

The first time I took her I explained how they work - you hold your smart card under the scanner with your left hand, it bleeps and shows a green light, you push turnstile with your right hand and you walk through - job done.

So I went first to show her how its done, worked perfectly for me.

She steps up, holds card under the reader, it bleeps, turns green, she stands and watchs the turnstile, it stops bleeping, it won't work again with her card now because you get just one go at it, I have to go and find a steward to unlock the turnstile and let her in manually.

The next home game I explain the function to her again, very slowly this time, she agrees to go first this time so I can coach her as the action happens, she holds the turnstile with her right hand, she presents the ticket to the reader with her left hand, it bleeps, it turns green, she pushes the turnstile with her right hand, it turns, she stands still.

"You're supposed to walk through the bloody thing when it turns" I explain, kindly, as if talking to a five year old.

We go and find a steward who has to unlock the turnstile and let her in manually.

Last night we attended the last home game of the season, she has extensive coaching outside the gate, we repeat the action of pushing and walking at the same time until she gets it right, she goes first, I stand behind her, she is pushing the turnstile before I present the card, this is a good sign, she says "Now ?" I say "Not yet", I present the card, she says "Now ?" I say "Not yet", it beeps, it turns green, she turns and says "Now?", its still beeping, she's not pushing yet, I give her the biggest thump in the back and shout "Now!!!" and she flies through the turnstile and out the other side like a champagne cork out of a bottle and a steward comes over to see why we are fighting inside a turnstile.

She's a bloody embarrassment.