Its near the end now, or is it ?

Nearly another week of turmoil and headless chicken running around at work and no time to blog, coupled with the news bulletins from Newcastle that Suzannes mum has dropped to a new low after her perk-up at the weekend and remained on the high dependancy ward breathing with the aid of a respirator all week.

The hospital staff don't know how she is still alive after three heart attacks since easter, no kidney or bowel functions at all now and her diabetes putting her blood through hell with two transfusions needed recently - oh yes, with no bowel or kidney function she fills up with fluid every few days or so which affects the already seriously inconvenienced lung capacity, which then lowers her oxygen levels and place strain on the heart again and around we go again on the "just get her stabilised" routine.

And then every seven days or so she sits up in bed, takes off the ventillator, eats breakfast and sits and chats with the family as though theres nothing wrong with her, and the doctors all stand there scratching their heads and muttering "how the fuck does she do that"

But yesterday her consultant informed the family that she was very low now and with all major organs failed it was time to consider whether or not she should be sedated and the respirator removed and just let nature take its course, and it would take its course very quickly he warned.

With the family living all over the country there were several hours of frantic phone calls last night but all six of her children agreed that the consultant was right, there is no future in a ventillator keeping her alive just so that they don't have to let go, the next heart attack will probably claim her and she may suffer at the end with that, the dilema is of course that you know that when the ventillator comes off then you have just agreed to kill her.

Its not the way that I look at it because the person that she once was has gone now and cannot possibly return, the person in the bed could not even be moved to the CAT scan room yesterday for a lung scan as she would not have survived the lifting and moving, so my opinion was to follow the doctors advice, not that they asked my opinion, she's not my mother, its up to her children to decide and I won't get involved.

The decision just about agreed upon (there were still some doubts in two minds) the family started gathering in Newcastle again, I drove Suzanne up there again this afternoon, one of her brothers rode his motorbike all the way from London to arrive at the same time as we did, and the other one in London is arriving tomorrow.

We arrived to be told that she's sitting up in bed again talking to one of her daughters in law.

Which throws the question completely up in the air again - its one thing to agree to have you mother taken off a ventillator when shes been unconcious for the best part of a week and fading away in front of you, but its quite another thing to sit talking lucidly to her knowing that tomorrow you are going to agree to let the nursing staff remove the one thing thats keeping her alive and talking to you.

It sounds awfully cruel to say it but I'm sure that most of them are hoping that another heart attack will solve the unanswerable question for them.