Jehovahs galore...

They're all in Leeds today for their annual shindig at Elland Road football ground, sometime home of Leeds Utd, sometime home of 30-odd thousand gullible football supporters who prayed hard last year to win promotion and god let them down - today the Jehovahs took over the stadium to pray and to sell each other the magazines that they couldn't sell door to door since their meeting last year.

I'll not take the mickey out of the Jehovahs, for all I know or care they might even be right, they might be the chosen ones.

Is that why they all look the same ?

Is that why I can tell what they are when they are right down the bottom of my street pestering my neighbours and giving me enough notice to pretend to be out ?

The only religious cult more obvious on the streets are mormons.

If the mormon men didn't all wear long beige raincoats and carry briefcases on a sunday and if their womenfolk didn't wear fancy coloured hankies on their heads then they'd find that a few people might just accidently answer the door to them instead of being met with a thousand "gone to the coast" signs on the doors they knock on.

I'd never trust a religious cult that required me to go out and sell for them, you are either one of gods chosen ones or you're not, its not a sales performance type of thing, you shouldn't make the team just because you can bore the pants off more householders than your neighbour, god doesn't get those magazines printed and delivered to the head jehovah with instructions to "get those goddamn sales crews out on the streets this weekend, we're down 23% in revenue in the first fiscal quarter compared to quarter one last year, I thought you said you were up for this job, your necks on the line this quarter sonny jim"

I only ever knew one jehovah, he was a wanker, the two things may have been mutually compatible, I don't know for sure, but he was definitely a jehovah and a wanker, both at the same time, you make your own mind up.

He was an electrician and was employed by the same company that I worked for when I left school, the first day that started work all the other electricians drew me to one side and whispered, "that bloke there, the weird looking one, hes a god-botherer, a jehovah, and hes a right wanker, you go figure"

I should have known I'd end up working as his apprentice for a few short weeks.

It was only a matter of days before he tried to convert me. We were sat in an empty room of a new house that we were second fixing, having our lunch when he asked if I was any good at algebra. I told him I'd got my maths O level, ok grade 7 wasn't too impressive, but he was impressed.

I should have spotted it coming.

He asked if I'd teach him algebra at lunchtimes.

I sort of grunted a confirmative, wondering where this was leading.

He said if I'd teach him algebra then he'd teach me the scriptures.

That was the first time that I used the phrase "fuck off"

The next morning I was apprenticed to someone else.

I can now spot them a mile off.
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