Sunday, July 08, 2007

Five things I dig about Jesus...

Having been tagged by the Island Girl I find myself struggling to think of five things that I dig about Jesus.

You see, I don't know the bloke.

I've never spoken to him and he's certainly never spoken to me, we may have rubbed shoulders in a busy street somewhere and I might have said "sorry" as I walked on past him, but thats not like meeting and getting to know someone is it ?

In fact now I think of it and since I found that photo of him and a sheep (whats all that about, no-one speaks of his farming days), I seem to recognise that face, the hair and that beard.

There's an old bloke sits outside Yates' Wine Lodge in Leeds who looks just like an older version of the bloke in that photo, it could be him.

On the other hand if you believe all the stories then this Jesus bloke wouldn't have needed a wine lodge to get his alcohol fix, he just had to wait for it to rain and lay his hat out on the pavement for a while, a quick wave of his hand and before you can say "Paul Daniels" you've got a hatfull of Chateauneuf de Pape 1992, ideal party trick for a street lowlife.


Thing # 1
I dig his hair, I used to have hair like that, in 1970 I started to grow my hair like that and for four years while it was fashionable to have girlie long hair then I had girlie long hair, and a hippy ex-RAF great coat with a collar that when turned up stood over my head so that I looked like Smiffy out of the Bash Street Kids. I could have been mistaken for Jesus had I grown a beard.

And had nail marks in my palms.

Thing # 2
I dig the way that he's not ambitious at all, he's a bit like Prince Charles, he's heir to the family dynasty but he knows that he's got more chance of a shag in a nunnery than actually inheriting the business, after all his dad isn't going to die is he, ever, so what chance has Jesus ever got of becoming God, and what would you call him if he did, "God Jesus", is God a title or a name and if its a name then how come parents don't name their child God, after all plenty of hispanic parents name their kinder "Jesus", and if God is a title rather than a name then what is Gods name, Eric ?

I quite like the idea of calling a child God, how cool would that be at assembly when the teacher calls out...

"Here Miss"
"Here Miss"
{no answer}
"God, has anyone seen God, is God here today"
"Of course I'm here you silly bitch, I'm fekking omnipresent, I can't stay away from the fekking place"

Actually Jesus might stand a very good chance of a shag in a nunnery come to think of it.

Thing # 3
I dig the way that his name has come to be accepted as an alternative for both agony and ecstacy both at the same time, the cry of "Jesus" or if you have enough breath "Jesus Christ" can be heard from bedrooms and toilets alike and from a million building sites all over the world when hammer contacts thumb, usually with a "fucking H" inserted into the middle of the words "Jesus" and Christ"

Thing # 4
I dig his barefoot approach to life, personally I hate shoes and would love to go through life wearing nothing on my feet, not sure about the sandals though they seem like a bit of a fashion faux-pas but at least he didn't wear socks with them.

I'd also like to wear the rest of the clothing that he personally designed for himself and his disciples, it seems very cool, very loose fitting and generous for those with a generous frame, the choice of fabric design was a little uninspired being that they all looked like they were wearing their mothers tea towels but maybe he had a thought in mind for the millions of primary school kids who would run home from school in the lead-up to christmas shouting to their mothers that they'd just landed the part of a shepherd in the nativity play and tea towel wear was felt to be easy on the budget.

Thing # 5
I dig the use of the word "dig" in this Meme, I haven't used the word in this fashion since 1971 although I have of course used it in regard to gardening items, its a good word, very groovy, very Lovin Spoonful, Woodstock, Country Joe McDonald, its the sort of word that Neil Diamond would have used when people dig'd him until he thought he could act, its very the-summer-the Beatles-split-up, its me spending all day saturday hanging out around Leeds market checking out the second hand record racks at Kennedy records, dutch weird super group Focus playing Leeds Town Hall with their new single "Sylvia" and my mates all getting tickets and not me, its loon pants and tie-dye tee shirts, beads on men, "herbal" cigarettes, patula oil, sandals, we're back to sandals, this is the link to Jesus, its "dig a pony" by John Lennon and bagism, spending august selling programes to grannies at Leeds Flower Show so that I could earn enough to buy a Budgie jacket to go with my loons - its a good word.

But like the recent revival of the word "cool", it has no place in 2007.

And in the best tradition of passing the buck I'm now going to tag JohnD who will curse the very ground upon which I walk for doing this as in the past he has been harrangued as a "jewish bastard", so probably has more of an insight into digging Jesus than I have.


John_D said...


Gary said...

Tee hee

Anonymous said...

Funny git

Gary said...

Tee hee 2

John_D said...

Oh, and I was harangued as being a "fucking gay jew bastard", just for editorial correctness :)

Gary said...

Editorial Note

In our Sunday edition we described Mr John_D as a "jewish bastard", this should have read "fucking gay jew bastard" and we apologise for any embarassment so caused by our mis-reporting.

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