Monday, July 09, 2007

Ventriloquism, why ?

With the recent upsurge of "variety" talent spotting competitions on TV recently (see Britain/USA Needs Talent) I find myself pondering aimlessly on the worth or neccesity of the weird art of ventriloquism.

Vent acts add nothing to a show, they are rarely funny and even more rarely competant at their chosen art, if you were to start counting now of the ventriloquists that you had seen who's mouth moved when the dummy spoke then we'd be here late into the night, on the other hand if we needed to go to the pub but were disallowed from doing so until one of us named a good, funny and entertaining ventriloquist act, then it would be a frustratingly sober night.

They fall into two camps do ventriloquist acts, those that use absurd small people in an attempt to convince us that they really do have a cheeky young boy sitting on their knee, and those who attempt to convince us that flourescently coloured animals can talk and that such a thing is normal outside of LSD overdoses.

The small boy on the knee type is the most puzzling as it is transparently obvious to everyone as soon as the ventrilquist walks on the stage that the small boy in the suitcase is in fact made of wood and/or plastic if only for the fact that we trust the licensing authorities enough to prevent the use of suitcases for the transportation of real live small boys.

In fact it would be much simpler if the ventriloquist actually used a real live small boy in the act, perhaps only cramming him into the suitcase for a few short minutes in order to circumvent the retraining order that would surely be placed on the act, in this way the audience would be instantly relieved of the need to stifle the desire to stand up and shout "thats not a real boy, thats a wooden boy" several times during the act, and they could sit back and enjoy the cheeky act for a change.

This, I believe, is where all ventriloquism goes terribly wrong, they are never very funny for the audience are too tense to laugh, too uptight about being the first one to blurt out "its a dummy" or "its you thats talking, not the boy", simply too distracted with their own self control to fully appreciate what the man on stage is doing and whether or not this is supposed to be a funny act.

The act that nearly followed my suggestion was The Krankies, they would have got away with it if the smaller of the two Krankies had pretended to be a wooden boy but had actually done the talking, audiences would have believed that the taller of the two was in fact a damn good ventriloquist who's lips never moved when the dummy spoke, but no, they missed the opportunity and went down the route of "adult male and cheeky young schoolboy make you laugh", and they failed miserably, except for the few "specialist" private audiences that they occasionally appear in front of where husbands are encouraged to take their schoolboy clad wives with them as a prelude to some filthy goings-on later.

The ventriloquist doll in the photo (above) is Mr Parlanchin, a commercially produced toy ventriloquist doll that for some inexplicable reason was purchased for our Ned one christmas - maybe our dad needed a fill-in act at his club one night, maybe some appallingly bad ventriloquist had finally given up the charade at his club one night and left Mr Parlanchin behind on stage sitting on a chair staring unblinkingly back at the audence, while the ex-ventriloquist ran out into the night down the fire escape.

Neither Ned or I could give a credible performance as a ventriloquist, apart from the fact that we couldn't speak without opening our mouths, not if you wanted a third party to understand you anyway, we also couldn't get Mr Parlanchins mouth to move at the same time as we uttered our words through our own pursed lips - as for blinking his eyes and turning his head, well, we couldn't do any of those things at the same time, not even two of them together - as a ventriloquist act we were about as good as Keith Harris.

So we did what all young boys do with unwanted christmas presents - we waited until March half term and then one morning when our parents were at work we tied a blindfold on Mr Parlanchin, stuck one of our dads cigarettes in his gaping mouth, led him out to the garden, tied him to the clothes pole and shot at him with our air pistol until his plastic torso lay in a million pieces across our lawn.

Imagine our suprise then when we found that he really was a very small and very alive dwarf man trying desperately to make a living as a childs toy after an unfortunate and compromising dressing room incident at the London Palladium with a perfoming shetland pony.

38 comments:

John_D said...

Harry Hill's ventriloquism is quite funny. Especially as he has two puppets who then decide that they'd like a game of swingball with one another.... You've got to see it really, but in the main I agree with your assertion that it's rubbish.

Puskas said...

I see the increasing popularity of 'talent' spotting competitions as a missed opportunity for a long overdue cull of unnecessary, annoying and talent-less people. Imagine the look on their faces when, crowded in to a TV studio, the rabid and ill-tempered badgers were released. I'd switch over to see that.

Gary said...

How fortuitous, Harry Hill and badgers in consecutive posts.

I'd pay to see X-Badger but then again I paid to see the talentless when my dad was concert secretary at Meanwood Con Club.

The tales I could tell...

...and will.

The Professor said...

I suspect that the blogger writes with tongue at least partially in cheek, but I respond anyway.

Skill levels aside (and we have all seen our share of dreadful ventriloquists, usually amateurs), our esteemed blogger Jerry Chicken (ironically enough the typical sort of name ventriloquial puppets are given) seems to be totally missing the point of artistes engaged in the various conjuring arts (magic, ventriloquism, etc); it is all about suspension of disbelief.

One would have to be the village idiot to think for even a millisecond that the Lamborghini has really disappeared or that the doll or puppet is not made of wood. ..."hello?"... that's the whole idea. While I do enjoy a good ventriloquist performance with brilliant, funny characterizations and a high level of technical skills which truly makes me laugh (the last factor being the most important), I have most assuredly been in the presence of many a ventriloquial act that has made me cringe with embarrassment (the circumstances of this frequent exposure shall for now remain untold. It is not a pretty story). There is no question that a number of people take up the art because they perceive it as easy to do...and on some level they are correct. It is rather easy to do actually, just not at all easy to do WELL. And it is those amateurs and weekend warriors that have branded the art in the eyes of the entertainment industry and some of the public as an art that is lower than whale s--t on the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean. Easy to think since there are definitely far more bad ventriloquists than there are good ones.

But when a good one does bubble up to to the surface now and again, it can be very entertaining indeed. But you DO need to be able to leave some rational thought at the door. If you obsess for the entire performance that the doll is not real (and I suppose there are at least some utterly humorless persons out there who would do this), then you are indeed missing the show. Definitely...go to a movie instead.

Sofia said...

I have a MR Parlanchin to win on Ebay and has not come yet.
I wonder if you know the measures of its Eye iris chip, wants to change color but do not know your measurements to get some that go great

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