Thursday, October 25, 2007

There will be less of me shortly

There will be less of me shortly...

For today I diet.

Yes, the current lardarse shape that I regard with wonder in the mirror every morning, "wonder" because I wonder how the hell I got to this size will be a thing of history, so speaketh the Tesco Diet plan that I have signed up for at the meagre remittance of £2.99 a week.

And what do you get for your £2.99 a week I hear you all cry.

"I don't know yet" I reply, "for I only clicked the "JOIN" button yesterday"

It would appear that they prepare a weeks worth of menus for me and at the click of a button I can print out a shopping list to service said weeks worth of menus, most of which sound to be very reasonable meals, three full meals a day and one snack-er-roo consisting of custard cream biscuits - its the custard cream biscuits that grabbed my attention, I admit this with no shame or embarassment - although chocolate digestives would have been nicer.

Where I think we will differ in our ideal of "a healthy eating plan" though is in the quantities involved, the meals and recipes that they email to me all seem to be rather nice and none contain words like "Ryvita Crispbread" or "Cottage Cheese" both of which are surely the devils work, but I have a sneaky feeling that when the mid-morning snack says that I can have three custard creams it probably means just the three, not the whole packet and an extra cup of coffee if I don't finish off the packet in one go.

Not having made any of these recipes yet I also suspect that I am going to have to start eating from small tea plates rather than the serving tray sized platter that I currently dine from, the photographs on the menus don't indicate how big the portions are and the photographer has been very careful not to leave (for example) a box of matches lying around in-shot so that you declare "that portion of meat is smaller than a box of Swan Vestas".

So breakfast was a huge bowl of Kellogs Crunchy Nut Cornflakes this morning and I suspect that when I post this on my profile later on today that some irate dietician (for you get "mentored" for your £2.99 a week) will send me a bollacking email for using all of my daily 1900 calories up in one meal, I shall lie tomorrow if thats the case.

According to the plan of action I need to lose five and a half stone in weight (77 pounds) in order to get to the correct "body mass index" for my height and age - according to my plan of action, if I lose 77 pounds in weight then that will make me skeletal and only suitable for standing on street corners busking along to "dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones" so 77 pounds as a target is way, way, way optomistic, in short it ain't going to happen Tesco's - two stone (28 pounds) would be nice to lose, two stone without having to resort to Ryvita would be excellent.

Day One - huge fekking bowl of Kellogs Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, cup of black coffee, large glass of fresh orange.
Weight loss - nothing.


Grannymar said...

Five and a half stone(77 pounds)is more than half my weight!

I am glad they never heard of Anorexia when I was growing up.

Gary said...

I have weight to spare which I will be selling off soon, would you like some ?

Teech said...

When you find yourself jumping on the scales after every bowel movement (and you know you will...) you have officially progressed to 'obsessive dieter'.

Handily enough the cure is a chocolate digestive. You use the biscuit as a spoon while gorging on Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream. Pie and peas works well too.

Jeff said...

Hey, maybe you're on to something there. Have you thought about selling your weight on eBay?

Good luck with your diet. I'll be rootin for ya!

Gary said...

Teech, you mention the word "chocolate digestive" in the singular - that would be the diet part of the recipe would it, sounds good enough to me anyway, cookie dough ice cream sounds even better.

Jeff, I'll be wholesaling weight soon, I may even go international

Anonymous said...

I was tempted to Link you to something on YOUTUBE...
Thought better of it! :)