Thursday, November 22, 2007

Somethings missing

So I've sat on my hands and watched the country panic as news broke and was then expanded as we discovered that some fekkwit at the Dept of Information or whatever they call the old Social Services Dept now, decided to send 25 million child benefit recipients details in the post, and lost them.

Its a great news story, its a good time to stir up a non-story from an event that hasn't happened yet, its a great time to be the pundit that was paid to be interviewed on BBC News this morning clamouring for HM Government to pay for us all to receive monthy Experian credit checks for the next several years - bugger off you freeloading panic-meister you, if you want a monthy Experian credit check then pay your fekking £5 a month like I do for the priviledge.

Lets get this straight - the Audit Commision in London, those publicly funded pen pushers who drool over insignificant data for the whole of their working lives asked the Benefits Agency in Newcastle (the other end of the country) for a list of recipients of Child Benefit - a benefit that is automatically paid to everyone who has a child under 18 years of age, so thats 25 million of us then.

The Benefits Agency told them that they couldn't just have that information, they'd have to have lots of other information with it because they couldn't seperate the data properly without paying someone a lot of money to do it, thus revealing that their IT people are full of shit and sitting on their hands waiting for their final salary pension to come around.

So they sent much more data than the Audit Commission wanted, names, addresses, bank details, loads of good stuff, burned ontoa couple of CD's and given to a courier company who have the contract to transport HM Governments internal mail, although not for much longer we suspect.

And somewhere between Newcastle and London it disappeared.
And thats where the real story ends.
Its lost in transit.

If its anything like the mobile phone I once ordered that turned up as an empty package then the CD's will never be found - which isn't the same thing as saying that even now some mastermind criminal with genius for cracking bank software codes will be typing in my account details, pretending to be me and then shouting at the PC screen in the same manner that I do every day when I check my account, something on the lines of "Where's all the fekking money gone then, the bastard".

You see, I have nothing to fear, I could display my bank account details here and now, with their PIN number, right here, I could invite you to visit my bank account and see if you could wreak any more havoc in there than my wife and two teenage daughters already do, full with the confidence that you could not achieve such a thing, indeed full with the confidence that if I told my wife and two teenage daughters what I'd done and that they should not access that particular bank account again it would actually work out cheaper in the long run to expose my banking details to the internet at large rather than let them continue to drain it - if you visited my account today you'd see there was nothing that you could do to it to make it worse than it already is, maybe you'd actually donate some money into it.

If I start to get statements from a credit card company that I don't deal with from a clone who is not me I'll asses their spending patterns first before deciding whether or not to inform Gordan Brown, it might be cheaper to stick with the cloned me.


Dan said...

Why would you want a monthly credit check? I thought the more frequently you did it the worse your credit actually becomes because it looks like you are applying for multiple loans.

I'm pretty sure my credit report would read something like "Nearly bled dry"

Anonymous said...

No mention from TNT whatsoever ?

email Tom Bell !

Gary said...

Dan - If you subscribe to Experian you get to see your file and get to see who is searching your credit records, but your viewing of the file isn't counted as a "check" and isn't recorded anywhere in it.

But yes, its amazing to see who is checking you out and how frequently, I signed up last year when I was making a mortgage application that went wrong and have just kept it going since at £4.99 a month - if you want your actual credit score its another £5.

Zoe's Dad said...

A few months back I received a letter that a state department laptop containing potentially useful personal information had been "lost." I exclaimed, "Please abuse me! I can finally start over!" I couldn't be so lucky.

Loved this post!

Gary said...

zoe's dad... I can't wait for my details to fall into the hands of some master criminals only to find that they get all the shit that I get from my bank right now, they'll close the account within two days.