A Wedding Day...

Its a "bleedin obvious" Video Saturday today as this house tries to organise three females in to getting ready for my cousin's wedding at a secret venue to a secret bride at a secret time and to which we cannot take cameras or mobile phones.

For they are celebrities.

His bride is a presenter of daytime tv, a star of a tv ad that involves frozen food of some sorts, he is my cousin, a legend in his own mind, a 49 year old who has never worked a days graft in his life, a professional guitarist who has played in studio sessions and in backing groups to the stars for the last 30-odd years, yes its the same one who once caused a riot and a "national disgrace" newspaper headline when his band killed a pig live on stage, and in between all of that he has also, during lean "work" periods, been a delivery driver for my company albeit that we could never predict what part of the afternoon he would turn in for work for, being that mornings do not exist in his vocabulary, and from time to time we had to cancel deliveries and apologise to customers if his agent called with a gig that night - we've even had Agnetha from Abba* step in and do deliveries for us from time to time (yes she has lean work periods too), which sort of impresses the recipients of our deliveries somewhat.

So this morning I must wash and valet the car as my family have refused to ride in it in its current condition on the grounds that their new outfits will be spoiled and resemble charity shop stuff (the stuff that they've just picked up from the doorstep before the charity store opened this morning) being that my car hasn't been cleaned, inside or out, since I took delivery of it three years ago - it might not have been serviced during that time either but I will refrain from breaking that piece of news as we have quite a trip to get to said wedding.**

My brother Ned and I have been lectured by our respective wives to be on our best behaviour and not to go out of our way to take the piss out of any of the gathered C List celebrities who are apparently, even as I type, slipping into their Gucci and Versachi gowns and suits expecting to be centre of attention today and centre page of one of the IPC Magazines (who are funding the whole bash) next week - I'll fit in just fine in my new Matalan suit then, even have a new tie for the day - I don't know what the womenfolk are talking about for me and our kid know how to behave like swells, and besides, celebs love it when you don't recognise them, its a well known fact. they love it even more when you ask them what they do for a living, especially footballers.

Photographs will be thin on the ground tomorrow due to aforementioned ban on mobile phones and cameras but we are promised that a disposable camera will be provided for each table and that the prints will be posted back to us at some undefined date way into the future, long after IPC magazines have wrung every ounce of publicity out of their exclusivity, our task today (Ned and I) is to get into the background of as many of the celeb magazine shots as we can, on "do's" like this they tend to surrupticiously guide the "celebs" to one side at a lull in proceedings, rush them to a secret area and take the magazine shots, in fact, and you may or may not believe this, some of the "celebs" are being paid by the magazine to be there today - I am not though, and I don't think Ned is either.

So next week, for the first time in my life I will gleefully look forward to the release of various IPC Magazines, magazines, in order to spot the back of my head standing 50 feet behind the current star of a touring musical, or my foot peeking out from behind a tree in the rear of a shot of a gaggle of soap opera actors, keep watching and I will point me out next week.

Phew !
Got through this without breaking the terms of our invitation today, the first wedding I've ever been to that involved signing a contract of attendance, a non-disclosure agreement that forbids me from mentioning the event at all - oh bugger***...



* Thats the "Agnetha" from AbbaGold of course, but you knew that already.
** Statement designed to throw you off the scent, actual wedding may or may not be "quite a trip"
*** See tags