Me vs Server

Last week our IT chappie from Head Office installed a new server for us and unlike the attempt to install it the week before they nearly got all of it working this time.

"Its big isn't it" was my first comment when he took it out of the box, as indeed it was.
"Its very loud isn't it" was my second comment when he switched it on.
"Pardon ?" he said.
"I said its very loud isn't it" I shouted across the office to him
He mouthed "I can't hear you" accompanied by a cupped hand around his ear.
With the aid of some stiff card and a marker pen I wrote "Meet me in the hallway" and held it up for his reading thereof.

We met in the hallway and whispering in conspirital voices as if we were scared that the server would hear us we decided that it should go in another room...

and so we moved it
and like the computer HAL in 2001 Space Odyssey its sulked ever since.

He managed to get all of the office computers to speak to it, explained how exchange server should work when its not sulking then bade me farewell looking suspiciously relieved that I hadn't asked any questions.

Our email wasn't working.
It worked once when he tried it, but when he left it didn't work again.
I can send email but I can't recieve it.

I went into the room where the server was and logged on as administrator.

"You're not an administrator Dave" it said to me in that calm assured voice that all servers have.
"Yes I am" I replied, "I got the password right and everything, and by the way, my name is not Dave"
"I can tell you're not an administrator Dave" it said, "you don't smell of B.O. and you probably have friends"
"Look," I started, "I know I'm not an administrator, you know that I'm not an administrator, but I know the administrator password and the administrator has fooked off home laughing, so lets just pretend that I'm the administrator and try and get this email problem sorted can we ?"

It didn't reply, but I could tell that it had metaphorically folded it arms in front of its chest and was now sticking its bottom lip out and staring at a point on the wall behind my left shoulder, ignoring me.

I clicked a few buttons that more or less said "email" on them and had a go at looking as though I knew what I was doing until I saw another button that said that I could manually download email right now from the place wherever our email is stored before it comes to us - I don't know, the post office or something.

The server groaned a bt, whirred a bit and then told me it was "Done", apparently I had recieved some mail.

Piece of piss this administrator stuff.

I dashed back to my office to check Outlook
Nothing

I clicked "Send/Receive"
Nothing

I strode forcefully back into the room where the server was, "Wheres my email ?" I demanded, "I saw you collect some email so where is it ?"
"Shan't tell you Dave" it said and turned its head away.

"You fookin will tell me you little bas'tad" I insisted, shaking its monitor with both hands like the bad cop in a 1960's tv cop interrogation scene, "I saw that mail arrive and you've fookin hidden it, where is it you fookin thief"

"Didn't" was all it would say, "didn't receive any mail"
"Right you bas'tad" said I, "I'm going to reboot you, see how you like that eh ?"
"I wouldn't do that if I were you Dave" it warned
"Why not" I demanded, "and my name isn't Dave"


And that was four days ago and its still not talking and its still not sending email to me, it also didn't want to play with our contact manager software but in a late breakthrough before I left the office tonight I have got it running on two pc's, which is a start.

It won't print internet pages to the network printer but it will print normally for other programs which is a bit of a bugger because it means that we can't print dispatch labels when booking collections on our carriers website and it won't load up an Access database on just one pc which is also a bit of a bugger as its the database application that we sell, "yes its wonderful, it will do everything you want it to, no it won't run on our own server but I'm sure it will be ok on yours" is not a good start to any sales pitch.

Its 4-0 to the server at the moment.