Paper Woses...

Now that the house is decorated with a profusion of the paper flower makers art it was inevitable that I should awaken this morning to the sight of a vase of artificial red roses staring at me from across the bedroom and it was in the first instant of awakening that a song sprang to mind.

Paper Woses by Marie Osmond.

By 1973 The Osmonds had built up a huge fan base causing small girls to riot in the streets wherever they travelled upon the globe, trillions of records were flogged on the back of their youngest member Donny who could make a pre-pubescent female wet herself at fifty yards and turn to a gibbering pile of bone and fat if touched.

The elder brothers were, in the main, quite ugly and wisely stayed in the background pretending to play various instruments while Donny made the audience faint with his young beauty - but the Osmond Brothers held a dark secret.

No, it wasn't Little Jimmy Osmond, he was a secret weapon to be revealed at a later date, it was worse than Little Jimmy Osmond...

The twenty or so Osmond Brothers had a sister.
And they hated her.

They hated her so much than when she had pestered and pestered and pestered their parents to let her sing with the group, and they had refused and refused and refused to let her do so, that they came up with a plan to mark the beginning and end of her showbiz career in one fell swoop.

You see Marie Osmond had a lisp, a very bad lisp.
The letter "R" just didn't exist in her vocabulary, the letter "W" dominated.
The brothers used this affliction to cruel effect.

They recorded her singing the old country tune "Paper Roses", which in Maries case came out "Paper Woses", not just "Paper Woses" but the whole song had been especially selected to make the most of her impediment so that for instance the first verse (Marie Osmond stylee) went something like ...

Paper woses, paper woses,
Oh how weal those woses seem to me,
But the'we onwee imitation,
Like you'we imitation wove fow me...

I wealised the way you'we eyes deceived me...


You get the message, it was cruel and heartless and the suger-wouldn't-melt-in-their-mouths Osmonds, the virtuous mormon singing brothers band pulled off a superb and damning destruction of their only sister's singing career, made a laughing stock she faded from the popular music charts and took up a TV presenters role instead where she probably made more money than all of her brothers put together.

Its a horrible heartless story which has been subdued by clever spin-doctoring from the Osmond family, but it deserves to be told.

And the fekking song is going to be in my head all day now...