Get me out of here...

And so it starts...

Another year, another series of "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here".

But this year, announced a breathless Ant and Dec, this year its going to be different, this year we will be splitting the camp into two teams, so, erm, thats different then...."

So they took the two teams and they flew them out into the middle of the wildest jungle in Australia, that'll be the wildest jungle where there is a hotel just right in the middle of it, that'll be the wildest jungle in Australia where all of the really dangerous wild animals and reptiles have been ethnically cleansed for Health and Safety Executive reasons, Ant and Dec being at pains to point out last night that the camp named "Croc Creek" has had all its crocs removed, for that would be un-natural and dangerous wouldn't it ?

So they took them all out into the middle of this wild, ethnically cleansed jungle in the garden of a hotel on this big new adventure that we haven't already seen four times before and they flew them there by helicopter and we all shouted at the TV set "Bunjee jump out of the helicopter" and the "celebrities" (only one of whom I have ever heard of) sat in the helicopter and mumbled to each other "do you think they'll get us to bungee jump out of the heleicopter" and the more scared of them screamed back "Oh my god I hope not I hate heights, oh my god I hate helicopters, oh my god I hate bungee jumping, oh my god I don't know why I'm here..." and we all screamed back at the TV set "Its because you want to be in panto this year..."

And sure enough, very soon the bungee rope appeared and four of them were thrown out of the helicopter, sobbing and wailing and screaming on the way down - just like last year, and the year before...

And while four celebs sobbed and wailed and screamed on the end of a rubber band the other team had a bit of a row around in a canoe in a crocodile infested lake that had been ethnically cleansed of crocodiles for the purposes of the show because of Health and Safety Executive reasons and the fat bird in the back of the canoe (who no-one knows nor cares why they do not know her) sat and sobbed and wailed and screamed that they were sinking whereas in fact they weren't sinking because the Health and Safety Executive had tested the canoe on the lake, after they had ethnically cleansed it of crocodiles, with four even fatter birds several times before and none of them had sunk the thing and anyway, the lake was full of scuba divers waiting to fish the fat bird out if she happened to capsize the vessel, which she nearly did, but not quite, which was a shame because that would have been funny, seeing four scuba divers trying to hold her fat head above the water while the big daddy crocodile of the lake who had hidden whilst his family was being ethnically cleansed came sniffing around for dinner.

I watched an hour of it, got to the hour point then realised that being the first episode it was actually on for an hour and a half, I couldn't face any more of it and so turned it off.

And so for the next god-knows-how-many-weeks we (the ones who are still brain dead enough to leave ITV tuned on their TV sets) will watch the celebrity who confesses to all that they have a phobia of spiders be voted by the viewers who are even more brain dead than the ones who simply watch, for they are the ones who watch and then ring the premium phone line to vote the spider-fearing "celebrity" to put their hands into boxes full of spiders - repeat the following night with the snake-fearing "celebrity", repeat the following night with the rat-fearing "celebrity", repeat the following night with the fish-fearing "celebrity" (yes there is always one who fears fish) coupled with sneaky, slightly out of focus shots of the totty in the camp bathing in a white bikini in the now crocodile-less lagoon.

I shall watch from time to time purely for research purposes...