[Insert Animal Genre] Watch

See this bloke ?

Recognise him ?

If you can get BBC coverage you'll almost certainly recognise him, he infests the BBC like, well like a thing that infests other things very rapidly and completely.

Its Jonathan Scott.

He presents wildlife programmes.

The BBC used to be very good at wildlife programmes, BBC Bristol made them all the time and they always had ducks on them because Sir Peter Scott was always in the background of the programme somewhere and he never missed an opportunity to promote his own duck refuge at Slimbridge.

Anglia TV tried to copy the BBC but they always went to Sumatra or Africa and never showed ducks at all.

Jonathan Scott is the new Sir Peter Scott (makes memo to check if they are related) in that he appears in every BBC wildlife programme which is not a problem, don't get me wrong I have no qualm that Jonathan Scott gets all the wildlife gigs, and lets be honest the BBC do still make a damn good wildlife programme, if you like wildlife programmes then you can't go wrong with the BBC and Jonathan Scott.

But,

He has exclusively developed one really, I mean really, really annoying, bloody well irritating genre of wildlife presentation.

All of the animals in his programmes have to have names.

And in giving them all their own names he turns the programmes into Blue Peter segments, a bit like "Bleep and Booster" used to be, a five minute story so boring that you knew you could safely go into the kitchen to rob the fridge while you mum wasn't looking and still have time for a piss on the way back.

And he is very underhand with it, he slips the names past you so that you don't even notice he's doing it and before you know where you are you're tuning in to tonights episode of "Leopard Watch" wondering whether Titikaka caught that antelope last night and whether her cubs Rumplestiltskin and Pinnochio will get fed before they starve to certain death right there in front of Jonathan bloody Scott and his all-seeing camera.

He very cleverly picks foreign sounding names so that English viewers will believe that all Leopards are born with and use their own name tags, the Leopards in his shows are never called Frank or Mildred, its always a believable foreign name like Umslobogo or Kaka.

This week he's doing it to elephants in Elephant Watch - and thats another thing, he has no imagination when it comes to choosing programme titles, its always "[insert animal genre]Watch" and the programmes follow the same script...

Scene One : Introduce [insert animal genre] family by individual name
Scene Two : Show [insert animal genre] babies in cute rolling in grass scene, think up some cute names like Toto or Frodo, reserve the name Fredo for the stupid one after Fredo Corleone in The Godfather.
Scene Three : Leave first episode on cliffhanger as some mean [insert mean animal genre] comes looking to eat babies
Scene Four : Babies escape by skin of teeth when a baby elephant called Wobbly Ears chases away the mean [insert mean animal genre]
Scene Five : Wobbly Ears and baby [insert animal genre] become friends and go to play at rivers edge
Scene Six : Fredo is eaten on river bank by crocodile

and so on, and on, and on.

Leave it out Jonathan, using the animals Latin nom de plume was good enough for David Attenborough, watch and learn boy...