They aren't from Venus, its much further than that.

I confess right up to never having understood women, I never have done, ever.

Which makes it all the more ironic that I should live in a house with a wife and two teenage daughters.

I don't understand any of them, and make no effort to do so.

Today was a fairly average day in our house but illustrates my point very succinctly...

Daughter mk2 (13 years) wants to go to the cinema this afternoon with a group of friends from across the other side of Leeds, they'll meet in the centre but it creates a little problem in that she'll be left on her own when the film is finished until I can get there to pick her up, the wife does not like that idea and refuses permission.

Dmk2 then comes to me and asks if she can go to her friends house after the cinema and I could pick her up from there, this seems reasonable so I agree, I then get bollacked by wife as she really doesn't want Dmk2 to go at all, she doesn't like the friends and wants her back at home before we go out on our pre-arranged Tapas evening.

I'm now in the middle of this argument, stuck where I normally am and trying to apply logic to two females opposing opinions - an impossible task.

Daughter mk1 (17 years) then approaches and asks if she can be dropped off in Leeds when I drop off Dmk2, off course I agree, but she then asks to borrow £40 for some hair extensions. I ask, quite reasonably I think, why she needs hair extensions when she had them done just ten days ago at great cost.

Eyes are raised to the sky inexasperationn and she explains that the false hair has fallen out, in a manner that leaves me in no doubt that I am the idiot around here rather than someone who needs £40 every ten days because they can't wait for their own hair to grow.

I ask how much the beauty maintenance budget is as its only two weeks since she had a complete set of nails fitted and they've all fallen off since, at which point all three females join in the affray and verbal pummel me into submission on the grounds that I am male and cannot possibly understand the intricacies of the beauty budget, I retire to lick my wounds.

Dmk1 finds my retirement hole and asks again for money for hair extensions, as I reach for my wallet I am heard to mumble that if I fund any more artificial beauty aids to my family then I won't recognise them soon at which point Dmk1 storms out of the room, slams the door and is heard to shout "don't bloody bother then" at which point I rejoice and put the money back in my wallet.

In the meantime Wife has devised a plan wherby when I drop two daughters off in Leeds I will take her to Pudsey and the mind-numbingly large Marks & Spencers there in order to buy "a new top and a jacket" for the anniversary "do" that we are attending at a posh golf club in two weeks time - I don't argue as its fruitless.

But out in the hallway whilst waiting for me a huge argument is developing between Wife and Dmk1 who wants new hair money and Dmk2 who wants to change the cinema arrangements again, it culminates with another "well don't bloody bother then" and Wife stomps off this time, at least I haven't become accidently involved in this one.

I take two daughters into Leeds and when I return ask wife if she wants to go to M&S, she's in a big mood now and denies that she ever wanted to, this is just hunky dory by me and I retire to settee to select my afternoon TV viewing, I've saved having to pay Dmk1 her £40 and I've saved having to buy new outfit for Wife, she's also not talking to me through no fault of my own so I am guilt-free, can this day get any better ?

Later on she has calmed down and asks to be taken to M&S to resume the search for "a new outfit" for the golf club "do", I resist pointing out that my outfit for the golf club do will be chosen from a selection of existing clothing topped off with the free tie that I got at Barrie McDermotts testimonial "do" on Thursday night, this would be tantamount to the perfect excuse for homicide for her so as usual I remain silent and obey.

In M&S we fall into the regular and familiar routine of husband and wife shopping for wifes clothing, I trail several paces behind her while she browses the racks, taking things off the pegs, holding them up, putting them back, occasionally asking "do you like this", me replying "yes it suits you", her snapping back "I don't like it", me mumbling "neither do I" as if I really give a flying fook.

But eventually she actually finds a blouse that she likes and a matching military style jacket in a plum colour, this is good news as its only taken 30 minutes to find both items, the bad news is that both items will cost a total of £100, once again I remain silent, I'm walking a very thin line here and one wrong word will result in a three day sulk.

She tries on the jacket, its her size but its too tight across the shoulders, I forget the cardinal rule for once and suggest that she tries on the next size up, she looks at me as though I have grown another head and reminds me that she does not wear that size, she wears the size that she is trying to get into, I am stupid enough to mention that it is just a number and that if it fits then she could tear the label out so as not to remind herself that she's gone up a size, I am lucky that she doesn't hear this.

The day culminates with her buying the blouse but not the jacket, not even the jacket that would fit her, not even when she really liked the jacket and there was a size that would fit her, she didn't buy it because it had the wrong number on the label.


All of which proves once again my lifelong theory that men and women are actually completely different species and its only through an accident of evolution that we have arrived at this point together and that we can actually breed - its rather like the sometimes reported births in zoos of "Ligers" or "Tigons", those freak accidents when Lions and Tigers are left in the same cage and produce offspring, everyone knows it can't and shouldn't happen, they are not even supposed to live on the same continent, but nevertheless it happens and we pretend that Lions and Tigers can live happily together.