Speak to me, I'm a computer...

Have spent all morning today in the office ringing around various service providers to tell them that I have changed my bank account and could they please change their direct debit details.

Without fail every one of the dozen or so utlilty companies that I called used an automated answering service with anything from four to twelve different key strokes required before you got to speak to someone.

The best of them though was British Gas who not only use a system to get you (finally) through to a person who can take the details, but they actually use the computer on the other end of the phone to talk to you and take all of the information, instead of pressing buttons it uses voice recognition and you have a conversation with a computer that goes something like ...

Computer : "If you wish to report a fault say "fault" now, if you wish to speak to accounts say "accounts" now..."
Me : "Accounts"
C : "If you wish to query a bill say "Bill" now, if you have any other queries say "other" now"
Me : "Other"
C : "If you wish to request a meter reading say "meter" now, if you have any other queries say "other" now"
Me : "Other"
C : " If you wish to set up a mandate say "mandate" now, if you have any other queries say "other" now"
Me : "Mandate"
C : "Pardon"
Me : "MANDATE"
C : "If you wish to set up a new mandate say "New" now, if you wish to change an existing one say "existing" now "
Me : "Existing"
C : "Pardon"
Me : "oh for christ sake"
C : "Pardon"
Me : "I said EXISTING"
C : "The question asked was If you wish to set up a new mandate say "New" now, if you wish to change an existing one say "existing" now"
Me : "PUT A FEKKIN OPERATOR ON"
C : "The reply has not been recognised you will now be diverted to an operator"

(muzac)




C : "All of our operators are busy right now, if you wish to wait say "wait" now or hang up and try later"


I waited and waited and at 30 second intervals the computer interrupted the muzac to inform me that I had at least another five minutes to wait and would I like to use their automated voice recognition system instead, I do hope it wasn't really listening to my answers because it will go home tonight with a migraine and sit in a darkened room moaning to its computer wife that its had a really bad day at the call centre, these humans can be so rude you know.