Saturday, January 07, 2006

You sir, are an idiot...

It never fails to annoy and irritate the hell out of me to watch TV documentary programmes such as "Airline" or "Airport" and see people turn up late or without passports and expect to get on flights, its just not good TV anymore, it was funny the first time it happened to see a frequent seasoned business traveller get turned away from check-in while he went purple with apoplexy, but its just not funny when its on every week.

Everyone knows the score, everyone knows that you have to check-in at least one hour before your flight, most infrequent travellers still stick to the old two hour check-in rule, but it seems that the more often that you fly, the closer to the "desk closed" deadline you have to make it until one day you are two minutes late and you get to meet Leo, the fay desk manager who takes no shit from anyone.

But even though he takes no shit, Leo is still too nice to these people who, lets be honest, are wasting his time by arguing that they should be the exception to the rule and that the flight should be delayed just for them because they have a no-interest meeting in Glasgow in two hours time.

When I reach the dizzy career heights of Richard Branson or Stelios (and I'm currently 27 rungs behind them) then my check-in staff will be trained to be very rude to these people in order to make sure that next time they book with, and annoy, a different airline, something like ...

"Sorry pal, you're late, check-in is closed"
"But it can't be, the motorway was closed, my dog died this morning, I couldn't find a car park space"
"Tough shit pal, I'm out of here"
"Wait, wait, you can't do this to me I have to be in Glasgow for a sales meeting in just two hours, I must get on that flight"
"Hey loook pal, I couldn't give a monkeys chuff about your sales meeting ............... unless ......"
"Yes, yes ?"
"......unless, you don't sell chocolate do you ?"
"No we sell paperclips, we're the biggest paperclip manufacturers in Europe and all our European heads and our CEO are going to be there, and so am I, GET ME ON THIS FLIGHT NOW" [bangs fist on desk]
"Look pal, get the fook off my desk and get the fook away from my face, in fact get the fook out of my airport, you're late, its your fault, theres nothing that I want to do to help you, if you sold chocolate then you'd be on your way to the gate right now, but paperclips I don't need, now can you see those two big guys over there, the ones in black suits with the earpieces, yes those ones, those two are Carlos and Frankie and if you give me any more shit I'm going to ask them to come over here and rip another hole in your arse, do you understand me ?"
"Shall I try BA then ?"

1 comment:

Maine said...

Monkeys have chuffs?