The guided tour will start in two minutes

We're flogging our house.

And I seem to have been delegated to do the flogging.

I thought the estate agent was going to do the flogging tours, but apparently its me.

I've taken four lots of people around it this weekend and I'm bored with the routine now.

"This is a room downstairs, we live in it sometimes so we call it the Living Room, you'll see it has an open fire, its gas, and , erm, well, this is where we live"

"This is another room downstairs, we live in this one too and so we call this the living room as well, what, confusion, oh no, its not that big a fuckin house you know, anyway, this one has an electric fire, no its not gas, yes I know the estate agent thought it was a gas fire but she's an idiot, if you follow me now into the kitchen..."

"...and this is the utility room where the wife does all the washing, just step over my underpants on the floor, I don't think shes finished beating them yet ..."

"...and you'll see theres a toilet just off the utility room, useful for when she's feeling billious after loading my smalls into the washing machine..."

"...if you'll follow me upstairs I'll show you some bedrooms, who would have thought it eh, bedrooms upstairs, full of suprises this house is, what, why are the blinds closed, because the pigeon man two doors down has let his fuckin flying rats out and I don't want you to see them, so we'll go to the front bedroom first..."

And for the man who came on saturday, yes the waterfall pump in the pond does work, I've got it switched on for tonights viewers, no I don't know what chemicals they inject into the brickwork for the damp proof course but I saw you counting all the holes, the hedges all get cut by you if you buy the house, no-one else, you, and no I'm not leaving my hedge trimmers, it hasn't got a garage because theres no fuckin need for one, its got three sheds instead, and ok I admit it, the cctv is because we got broken into 18 months ago but it was a random burglary and the scrote won't be coming out for another 12 months at least, this time you'll be able to record his face though, unlike the fuckin Shell garage down the road who had forgotten to switch their recorder on when he used my credit card there.

Any more fuckin questions before you pay the asking price ?