Monday, October 16, 2006

Your hamper is empty this christmas...

Another wonderful investment opportunity has just presented itself to me as I sit here at the kitchen table tonight browsing t'interweb whilst the rest of the famille ensemble gaze in open eyed awe at Emmerdale.

I don't know what attracted me to this story in the first place, but there you are, we'll call it good fortune, in the right place at the right time.

Christmas hamper company Farepak have gone into receivership and thousands of familes up and down this fine country of ours will face a bleak christmas without their usual tub of brandy snaps and a jar of premium sweet mincemeat.

Housewives who have been scrubbing rich peoples floors, putting things into envelopes, and home helping all year to earn a little "pin money" to put aside for the weekly payment to the Farepak agent have recieved the shocking news today that they'll have to get off their fat arses and go buy their own fekking christmas shopping this year instead of waiting for her down the road to bring the hampers around in her van.

Who the fook buys christmas hampers any more ?

See the hamper above ?

It costs £45 from the company who are even now advertising it.

Its called the "Senior" hamper, its for yer granny and it contains stuff that only grannies have in the house at christmas and you wondered all along why the fook you granny ever bought it - well, she got it in a hamper that she paid weekly for, she handed over a pound a week out of her pension for stuff that you'd look at in her house on christmas day and say "granny, why the fook did you buy lime marmalade ?"

Heres whats in it together with my evaluation ...

Ambrosia Creamed Rice 425g - for fooks sake, does anyone still eat this stuff ?
Australian Gold Pear Quarters in Syrup 220g - will stay in grannys cupboard for three years
Bakers Delight Date and Walnut Cake 275g - would never sell in a supermarket on its own
Bakers Delight Sticky Ginger Cake 200g - sounds ok, would try
Batchelor's Bigga Processed Peas 300g - processed peas are soooo 1930's, granny food
Big D Salted Peanuts 200g - she ain't going to eat these, not with her false teeth in
Bird's Whisk & Serve Brandy Sauce 74g - no, just no
Crawfords Garibaldi Biscuits 100g - crawfords make pennywise, nuff said
Crosse & Blackwell New Potatoes 300g - for christ sake, tinned potatoes for xmas dinner
Crosse & Blackwell Whole Carrots 300g - likewise
Elkes Malted Milk Biscuits 200g - words fail me, these are supposed to be treats
Elkes Vanilla Cream Biscuits 150g - sales of zero last year, hence hamper fodder this year
Fox's Millionaires 150g - Netto give these away in their doorways
Hartley's Prunes in Syrup 210g - more granny food, will stay in her cupboard all year
Hayward Traditional Pickle 270g - she still hasn't finished last years
Heinz Baked Beans in Tomato Sauce 200g - fookin baked beans in a xmas hamper
Heinz Cream of Chicken Soup 290g - its getting worse
Heinz Cream of Tomato Soup 300g - granny knows how to live
Heinz Spaghetti in Tomato Sauce 200g - xmas day lunch if you don't turn up
Holmfield Mince Pies pack of 4 - one will be eaten, the rest will be binned
Iced Christmas Cake 400g - will never be cut into
Jacob's Hovis Crackers 150g - never seen outside of a hamper
John West Sardines in Tomato Sauce 120g - boxing day lunch if you don't turn up
Mathew Walker Christmas Pudding 100g - will shrivel up to currant size and be binned
McVitie's Mini Cheddars 250g - say it ain't so
Nescafe Instant Coffee 50g - your granny only does tea
Nestle Carnation Evaporated Milk 170g - no-one has used this since the war
Princes Corned Beef 200g - soggy reclaimed meat
Princes Pink Salmon 105g - watch for the bones, remember the queen mum fell for this
Princes Salmon Paste 75g - surely not, think of the children
Princes Tuna Steaks In Sunflower Oil 100g - this stuff is foul, I bought this by mistake once
Pringles Salt & Vinegar Crisps 50g - will be given to dog if you don't turn up
Quality Street Chocolates 275g - the only thing to make the effort for, eat, thank her, then leave
Roses Lime Marmalade 454g - no-one has ever opened these jars
Simpson's Chocolate Sponge Pudding 115g - very dangerous to microwave
Simpson's Steak & Kidney Pudding 140g - don't confuse with chocolate pudding
Simpson's Syrup Sponge Pudding 115g - if your granny has bad eyes, best to remove these products
Tetley Tea Bags pack of 40 - the only thing your granny will use
Uncle Joe's Mint Balls 75g - reasonable
Victoria Fruit Jellies 240g - snaffle these before anyone else gets there
Walkers Luxury Shortbread Fingers 250g - more granny food, her friends will have these
Whitakers Mint Cremes 100g - reasonable
Ye Olde Oak Pork Luncheon Meat 200g - foul, foul, jellied abbatoir floor meat
Ye Olde Oak Round Ham 200g - only ever sells at xmas, only ever sells in hampers.


I'd give you a couple of quid for the lot

How much do you think the let-down clients of Farepak will give you for that lot of bog standard groceries that we could buy for £20 in Asda, maybe less if we buy Farm Foods range, even less if we check out the "ooops too late" bargain bin.

I've just realised, theres no box of dates in that hamper - what sort of a fekkin hamper is that ?

1 comment:

Prydwen said...

Last time I tasted anything from the senior hamper was when visiting gran in the 60's