Its Bond, James Bond...

Today sees the premiere of the latest James Bond film, Casino Royale and my Interest-o-Meter (above) is already showing signs of complete disinterest.

The suprising thing about this film is that the original Casino Royale starred David Niven and was actually a spoof James Bond film - is this the first time that a film company has remade a spoof film into its real object of derision ?

I hate James Bond films, always have.

I hated them as a kid for two reasons - Shirley Bassey and the terrible storylines.

Shirley Bassey was/is a pet hate of mine, a singer that shouts every line, it works in a punk band but not for Shirley Bassey, I cannot do with her and unfortunately they let her sing theme tunes from James Bond, even the ones that she wasn't supposed to officially sing, she's awful, just awful, my Auntie Irene likes her though.

The storylines are something else and usually involve some terrible person who wants to take over the world, but do it secretly so that no-one will know that he's taken over the world. To this end he usually builds a secret hideout the size of a large shopping mall and employs thousands of people to walk around all day dressed in white overalls, carrying clipboards and looking busy.

Some top secret method of dominating the worlds population is invented, secretly, in the top secret shopping mall, which is usually hidden under a mountain or disguised as a shopping mall, and the top secret method of dominating the world usually involves lasers or hi-tech bombs, anything as long as the James Bond film audience don't quite understand what is involved because its too technical to explain properly, which isn't that difficult really as the James Bond film audience , the ones who have actually paid real money to watch the film at a real cinema, usually can't maintain an IQ that can be measured in any way.

To stop the horrible villian, who manages to maintain his empire without anyone ever knowing, even the wives of the men who work for him don't suspect anything ...

"Don't forget your packed lunch love, what time will you be home tonight ?"
"I'll get the 5.05 from Paddington love, as usual"
"Oh good, I'll put the casserole on, don't forget to ask Mr X if you can have the first week in august off"
"I don't think we do holidays at Evil World Domination PLC love"

...to stop him, the world turns to one man, James Bond, who must be getting fairly pissed off with evil world dominating villians by now, and to aid him in his quest to rid the world of evil world dominating villians we, the British government, give him a pen that fires gas, or little bullets, or a laser light that can cut through steel.

And of course he gets captured because all evil world dominating villians know what he looks like by now, they've all seen the films before, James Bond must be the worst kept secret, secret agent ever. Even if you don't recognise him instantly you'd know who he was when you stand next to him in a bar and hear him order a vodka martini, shaken not stirred, for only a top secret agent or a complete plonker would order a nancy drink like that in a working mens club.

And instead of simply shooting him dead the evil world dominating villian usually ties him to a table where a huge circular saw starts to turn ever so slowly, moving towards his spread-eagled legs at the speed of a speeding glacier, threatening to split the top secret agent asunder at anytime in the next, well, half hour or so - and instead of hanging around to watch the top secret, secret agents demise, the evil world dominating villian buggers off to do something more important instead, leaving James Bond to escape with the aid of a pocket circular saw disabling tool that he hid in, erm, his pocket - why do evil world dominating villians never search James Bonds pockets when they capture him in every film ?

The evil world dominating villian is foiled once again, his top secret hideaway is blown to smithereens but he and all of his white overall clad employees escape without harming a hair on their head because no-one ever dies in a James Bond film. Meanwhile, James Bond gets to shag a girl who appeared halfway through the film just for the eye candy effect.

The End.

There, you don't need to pay to go watch the crap now.