Creationism, whats all that about then ?

In the spirit of easter week I thought that I should investigate the phenomena of the religious movement Creationism, that band of half-lunatics who follow the teachings of the bible to the letter and attribute most of the scientific understanding in the world today to "The Great Flood" of Noah fame.

The Great Flood made the Grand Canyon and killed all the dinosaurs because Noah didn't check in the dinosaurs on time, its simple really when you think of it, don't know why we never realised it before now.

So in an attempt to reach a greater understanding on what exactly happened when god created the world and exactly how he fucked up with the dinosaurs I undertook some research last night and invested in a few grams of a hallucinogenic substance, purely in the interest of research you understand, in order to arrange a short interview with god, here is the transcript...

Me : Thank you for the opportunity to interview you tonight god, its very good of you to see me at such short notice, and may I say god, that shimmering cloak of many colours that you're wearing is just, like, wow, its so groovy man, how do you make it change colour so often

God : Its actually white Gary, the stuff that you smoked earlier is making you think its a cloak of many colours

Me : Oh, ok.

God : I like your tee shirt though

Me : Thanks, I got it when we went to Centre Parc a couple of years ago

God : Yes I know. Now, what did you want to ask me ?

Me : Do you mind if I take notes ?

God : No, but I'll need to run a copy of them down to St Peter afterwards, just to be safe you know, I get misquoted sometimes.

Me : Thats ok god, no problem, before we start can you turn the lighting down a bit, the backlighting behind your head is making my eyes ache, I get migraines see, your cloak of many colours is going to set one off I just know it is.

God : I can't I'm afraid, its not a lighting effect, its my presence.

Me : Oh ok, I may need to take a solphadine later though. So god, what about all this Creationism then eh ? Phoo, eh ! what do you make of them then, fuckin loonies or what ?

God : What part of their teachings would you like to discuss Gary, which bits make you think they are fuckin loonies ?

{At this point the sky grew dark outside, there was a huge crash of thunder and a loud squeal as if some small mammal was in its death throe}

God : Shit, I forgot again

Me : Forgot what ?

God : Every time I say fuck something sweet and cuddly gets killed, that was a seal pup I think

{The sky grew even darker and another deafening crash of thunder shook the whole of heaven followed by a tiny whistle}

God : Did I say fu... that word again ? Shit, thats a guinea pig.

Me : I think you did god, anyway, where were we, yes, creationism, how did it all start then god ?

God : I made the world and all the living creatures therein in seven days, well six actually, I took a day off on the sunday, I was fucked

{another rumble of thunder, this time further away, and then a clicking noise}

God : A kangaroo

Me : So all that shit is true then, you really did create the world in seven days

God : Six

Me : Six days then, it really happened that way ?

God : Yes, I was good back then, I was younger, more supple, more energy, I got things done, I made my mind up and just went ahead and did it, didn't stop to think of the consequences, 'course I made mistakes, who wouldn't, we're all human aren't we, but still, I didn't do such a bad job did I, in fact even though I say it myself, I think I did a really good job of earth, yes, I'm quite pleased, six days eh, six fuckin hard days.

{a fireball flashed past the window and foreshortened quack}

God : Baby penguin

Me : So, when you'd finished, on the seventh day, and you looked all around...

God : ...and I said that it was good...

Me : ...and you said that it was good, was there anything that you didn't really like, perhaps something that you'd do differently if you had another go ?

God : You're talking about the dinosaurs aren't you ?

Me : I don't know, are you ?

God : Yes, I ballsed up on the dinosaurs, it was late, I'd been working solid for five fuckin days mate...

{burning spear whizzed over my head followed by the faintest of sqeaks}

God : Pygmy shrew, I was tired see, even though I was young and fruitfull I was still tired and I was running out of ideas, well you see if you can create a whole world in six days, you'd be bloody tired wouldn't you, bloody tired I was, it was at the end of the fifth day see and I'd sat down for a few minutes, poured myself a scotch and soda, St Peter was here, we were right here in this room actually when we invented the dinosaurs, Peter was sitting where you're sitting right now, and he was fiddling around with some clay, rolling it into sausages, squashing it on the table, you know, and he sort of stuck two sausages onto a ball of the stuff and then another long sausage with a little head on the end, poked two eyeholes in it, well I pissed myself laughing, it was the daftest thing you've ever seen.

We poured ourself another couple of scotch's and I had a go, it was a good laugh, I made one that stood on four tiny legs but gave it a huge body and a really long thin neck with a minute head, Peter had a fit laughing at that one, so he did one with big wings and pretended it could fly, gave it a beak with teeth in, silly bugger, oh I could laugh all over again thinking of it, anyway, we had a few more scotch's and before I knew what was happening we'd decided to go into production, gave them "osaurous" names, just made them up on the spot, that was funny too, didn't really mean for it to happen but when I woke up on the sixth day there they all were, I had a fuckin awful...

{as sytheing spear whooshed through the door followed by a dull thud}

...photographers chimp, hangover and when I looked out the clouds, there was the earth, populated by these monstrocities, I tell you, it was not good anymore, but I had to run with it, sort of made it awkward for Adam and his missus and their lot for a couple of centuries after that, well you've seen the films haven't you, bloody dinosaurs fighting everywhere, mind there was plenty of meat to go around, but it wasn't how I'd planned it see, not like the plans at all, no sir, a bloody mess it was actually.

Me : So what did you do about it, when did you decide to get rid ?

God : I left it for a long time, too long really, thought they'd all die off pretty quick see, me and Peter, we'd forgotten to give them brains, well we were just messing around weren't we, anyway, they didn't die, they bloody thrived on earth, just my bloody luck, so I had a good long look around to see if I could find a human who was smart enough but stupid enough to follow my instructions without asking questions, thats another thing I did wrong, made humans question me all the time, always asking bloody questions they were. Anyway I find this one called Noah, had a quick word with him, told him to build a fuckin ...

{a bolt of white flame hissed by the window and a scream chilled me to the bone}

...ooh shit, that was a human, told him to build a big boat out of gopher wood, whats gopher wood he said, I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and stuffed him up a bleedin gopher tree, thats gopher wood I told him, I said build it three hundered cubits by fifty cubits by thirty cubits, whats a cubit he said, I tell you, I nearly told him to sod off and send me a carpenter instead, but I drew him some plans and do you know he wasn't that bad with a plane really, the ark was a bit shoddy when he'd finished, I mean you could tell that he'd only done a bit of DIY before he built the ark, didn't dovetail anything just used big nails and brute force, but it looked like it would float so I told him to gather all ye animals around him on his ark, except the fuckin dinosaurs...

{wham..blinding light…screech}

…parrot, don’t bring the fuckin…

{whoom, whooosh…thump}

…easter bunny, dinosaurs I said, why he asked, I grabbed him by the throat and shook him for a minute or two, because I fuckin…

{whap. Slap, eeeek}

…piglet, said so that’s why you dumb fuck..

{kazaaam, stick, eurgh}

…lamb, and he nodded his head and just got on with it, took some getting through to him but he did a good job in the end, got most of the stuff I wanted to keep on board, maybe I should have told him to make the ark three hundred and fifty cubits long and we could have got some more things on board like the unicorns, the fantasmotrons, and the organaphallus’s, a gmupf or two would have been nice too, but hey, we got what we could and then I made it piss down for forty days and forty nights, like leaving the bath taps running it was, lost everything we did, everything except what was on the ark, all apart from the fnarks who jumped overboard chasing a ball one day, bloody idiots, anyway after that we started again, its been ok since.

God : Are you still awake ?

Me : Whaaa, whaat ? Me ? Yeah I’ve been taking notes god, all the time, you got any coffee I could have, I’m getting a bit of a headache.

God : No, so is there anything else ?

Me : Yes, erm, let me see {consults notepad which is blank} erm, so this flood story, how did it all happen again ?

God : You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said have you ?

Me : It’s the cloak of many colours man, its just vivid, know what I mean ? Its just so vivid man, can you turn it off ?