I messed up big time.

I did, I messed up big time at the weekend.

In fact its taken until now for me to tell anyone, I feel so guilty.

Someone may have died because of what I did, she could have choked and gagged on her veggie burger.

Let me explain,

It was a close friends 50th birthday party on saturday afternoon/evening and as is tradition on his birthday we all gather at his home and have a barbeque and sit in his gazebo in his garden until the early hours of the following morning making merry noises with the assistance of beer.

This weekend, after a beautifully hot week, it was stormy and on saturday afternoon a thunderstorm crept up on us and it started lashing down, so while everyone else hid in the gazebo I wandered out in the violent rain to help our host and another friend at the barbeques.

Because it was his 50th there were many more people there than normal and he had three bbq's on the go, one of them a gas one which he was unfamiliar with but as I've got a gas one I volunteered to get piss wet through and cook fifty chicken legs on it, after a couple of beers you could hardly notice the rain, or the thunder and lightning anymore, well you only get wet once don't you.

So the three of us were standing there waving steel spatulas in the air in the middle of a thunderstorm singing along to a Beach Boys CD when another guest turned up and handed us a small tinfoil parcel in which she told us was her two veggie burgers that she needed bbq'ing and would I oblige while at the same time requesting that I didn't contaminate said burgers with any animal products.

She disappeared and we started doing our best Gordon Ramsey impressions complaining about fekkin vegetarians and why would you want to fekking bbq a fekking veggie burger anyway - you eat fekking vegetables raw so why would you fekking bbq them when they're in burger form ?

I put the parcel on my bbq and opened up the tin foil parcel, being careful to create a bit of space around it on the grill, but to do so I had to put several of the chicken legs on the shelf above the grill which is actually attached to the lid so that when you lower the lid the shelf rests above the grill and can keep the food cooking.

Yes, I know you've guessed the rest, the chicken legs continued cooking and dripped themselves all over her fekking veggie burgers - but I didn't know that at the time did I ?

It was five minutes later that I lifted the lid up to see how the fekking stupid fekking veggie burgers were getting on and my fellow chef to my right pointed out that the fekking veggie burgers appeared to be swimming in their own little pool of chicken leg fat.

We just laughed.

Chef three stood to my left looked over my shoulder and started laughing too, it was infectious, we laughed and laughed until it hurt and someone came out of the gazebo to see what we were laughing at, at which point I quickly shut the lid and told them everything was just fine thank you and we laughed a lot more, then went and got some more beer.

We discussed the fekking veggie burger business for all of ten seconds and decided to drain off the chicken leg fat and not tell her, but we placed bets to see if she'd notice that her fekking veggie burger tasted of chicken - the best odds that we gave were 3/1 on that she would with odds of 50/1 that she'd actually choke and die when the chicken fat hit her throat.

The fekking veggie burgers looked awful, they resembled that light brown colour best known as the colour of baby shit and they had bits of what I took to be straw sticking out of them, they didn't even turn brown after being fried in chicken fat.

The fekking veggie woman ate them anyway and never said a word except to compliment us on the corn on the cob chunks that we'd done at the same time - they were soaked in chicken fat too and she made us go back to the bbq and turn the gas back on and make some more.

So there you have it - fekking vegetarians don't die when they eat meat after all.

Not that chicken is meat of course, I mean, its not red or anything is it ?