Saturday, March 17, 2007

A cautionary tale...

For those of you who do not have daughters and who may be planning to have daughters at some point in the future, let me offer a cautionary tale of what you can expect to happen to your wallet ...

This has just happened to me ...

I leave my spare cash, what little I have for I do not usually carry much cash which is something, probably the only thing, that I have in common with HM The Queen, but what little cash I have I leave on the bedside table each night from whence it has usually disappeared the next morning, purloined as it usually is by one of the three females who inhabit the house with me, wife and two teenage daughters.

This evening the youngest (14 years old) approached me with her purse opened and counted out three pounds fifty pence which she handed to me.

I asked her why I should take three pounds fifty pence from her and she told me that it was my money as she'd "borrowed" it from the bedside table earlier for her bus fare into Leeds, I was touched by this as they don't normally tell me they've taken it and they don't normally give me it back, it just vanishes, but she insisted that I take it, so I did, and I put it down next to the microwave in the kitchen.

Ten minutes later I'm stood at the kitchen sink washing dishes (I'm trained to do that by the oldest female in the house who is an idle good-for-nothing swine-woman of a wife who cares naught for my welfare and who obviously does not know of the existence of this blog) when said wife approaches the microwave oven and asks who's is the fifty pence that has been left lying around.

I inform her of course that its mine to which she picks it up and puts it in her pocket and then I stupidly tell her that its actually three pounds fifty and she's missed some, she looks again and assures me that its only fifty pence and it only takes two seconds of deduction to realise that the eldest daughter (18 years old) who just minutes earlier left the house for a night on the tiles with her friends is of course the chief suspect in the missing three pounds.

So to summarise ...

This morning I had £3.50 in my possession
It was "borrowed" by youngest daughter for bus fares
It was later returned by youngest daughter who 'fessed up.
Most of it was then "borrowed" by eldest daughter who will not 'fess up even if I ask her to.
The rest of it was then blatently snaffled in front of my eyes by the wife who cares naught for my welfare.

Gentlemen, when you obtain a wife and then two daughters, you give up all rights to possessions.

For those for whom three pounds does not seem a lot of money, I could carry three pounds around in my pocket all week without spending it, the eldest will not even be able to buy one drink with it tonight in Leeds, christ knows why she took it apart from the involuntary action of helping oneself to dads money at every opportunity.

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