Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Revenge, justice, it just feels good.

I love it when someone you hate falls on hard times.

Many, many, many years ago I sold some stuff to a rather large garden centre near Leeds, they were a bit of a pain in the arse to deal with but after a while everything seemed to run smoothly even if they did bitch now and again.

Then they had a fire and the whole place burned down, I never knew plants could burn so fiercly without the aid of an accelerant but I'm sure thats not what happened at all, whatever, it all burned down.

And we got a phone call from them to say that they wanted a new system from us and it had to be the very best that we sold, not like that crap we sold them the last time, because this time the insurance company was paying.

So I went to see them and the ignorant illiterate twat who runs the place simply wouldn't listen to what I recommended, he wanted fingerprint readers fitting to identify the staff.

You may get the idea that I'm being deliberately obtuse here with not too many clues as to what it was I sold them and who they are - you'd be right - because they are still twats with lawyers.

I tried to explain that the fingerprint reading technology wasn't all that hot at the time and it was all very experimental and we hadn't sold any up to that point, but he insisted, the insurance company were paying you see.

So we supplied fingerprint readers.

The job was an abortion.

Not only did the fingerprint readers not work all the time but his staff were the dumbest set of dumbfucks that I have ever had the misfortune of meeting, and there was a high turnover of the dumbfucks, he must have gone to the dumbfucks staff agency "hello, dumbfucks are us, we can't help you", beacuse he employed a long procession of them and every time one left I had to go back and train the replacement dumbfuck.

We staggered on with the contract for a year and just as I was getting totally pissed off with the place the new garden cente was hit by lightning and it blew anything electrical in the place, including our fingerprint readers, we replaced them, we sent him a bill, the dumbfuck twat in accounts wouldn't pay the bill.

We threatened him, he then threatened us and claimed that the equipment had never worked, ever, to which I mentioned that if he didn't employ minimum wage dumbfucks to administrate it then he might have had a little more success - to cut a long story short he ripped all the fingerprint readers off the wall one day and sent them back to us via courier and asked for his money back - it dragged on for a bit because he wanted a full credit for everything, to which I asked him for the original software cd's, I knew he couldn't provide these because I had them in my filing cabinet so eventually he sued us just for the cost of the hardware.

We paid up in the end just because I couldn't be arsed arguing with him, he was an ignorant dumbfuck and they are the worst sorts of dumbfucks, we paid up and then sold his equipment to someone else where it still works merrily away under the care of someone who doesn't employ dumbfucks.

And so ever since then - and its several years ago - we have steadfastly refused to visit his dumbfuck garden centre and recommended to all our friends and in fact anyone in the street that I pass, that they do not visit it either.

Until today.

Today I took a day off work and nearly managed to finish the decking project for which I needed some blue grass - no, not that sort of american folk yeeha! music, but some grass that is blue - you can buy grass that is a really vivid blue and I wanted some and the dumbfuck garden centre is the biggest around here so I relented and we paid them a visit.

I am delighted to report that the dumbfucks garden centre appears to be on its knees, half of the greenhouse space (and they had tons of acres of space) is empty and up for rent to anyone with a plan to utilise it, and the other half of the greenhouse space is badly stocked with dead and dying plants on empty shelves.

We checked out the pet section which used to have a massive collection of pond fish - all of the tanks were empty and full of stagnant green water and no staff were to be seen at all anywhere in the place except for one bored looking old chap who was busy watering a shelf full of plants which looked already yellow and over-watered, he clearly has not the first clue on keeping plants displayed for sale, neither do I but I know that they are doing it all wrong for I wasn't tempted to spend even one pound in the place and obviously by the fact that only one of the twenty tills at the exit were manned, no-one else is either.

I laughed all the way around at the dumbfucks misfortune and I laughed all the way home in the car, I'll give him three more months before he closes the place when he needs to stock the place up with christmas goods - serves the bugger right, it couldn't happen to a more dumbfuck person.


Michael said...

If you and I are thinking of the same garden centre situated in the no-mans-land between Leeds and Bradford, then i'll quite happily endorse every word you've said in the last three paragraphs

Maine said...

Which sort of drives home the point that nobody's just a half-senseless twit. Odds are, if you're the type of senseless twit that doesn't know to heed the advice of experts you've contracted on your behalf (contracted because they're experts, by the way), then there's a good chance you also don't have the sense to run a business with any sort of competence at all.

I'd also be willing to wager he's the sort of person who occasionally reaches into his oven at home without a pothandler on. Stupid is stupid is stupid.

Gary said...

Michael - you're tuned into the correct wavelength.

Maine - the guy who owns this business has been known to me for twenty years, when I first met him he was illiterate and I admired him for being a hard working ignorant twat - now he is just a twat, knowing him I doubt very much whether he would have listened to advice during what must have been the worst trading year for many garden centres, I'll give the place until october, they won't survive xmas without restocking.

Maine said...

The best part about illiterate twats is that you can trash them online all you want.

Too bad he had to sort out the alphabet, get a shop together and spread his twattery to others.