Investments, commodities, pensions, and all that jazz

Like many people I sat watching Sky News last night and their coverage of the light aircraft crash into a Manhattan apartment, it makes for good live TV, tragedy and all that, but its better than watching soaps.

And then while I was watching the live coverage some prat in red braces appeared and informed the viewing public that the Dow Jones Index had just plumeted because of the accident, presumably because selling imaginary corn and coffee is directly affected by how careless some pilots can be.

Just how crazy is the world market in stocks and commodities ?

Young people who are legally allowed to take other peoples (usually older peoples investments) money and pretend to buy things that may or may not exist, at a price which they think is cheap, in the hope that they can resell them sometime later at a price that they hope is expensive, and whilst they are using real money to do this, the thing that they have just bought and sold may not even exist away from a computer screen.

And the business is growing.

I know its growing because they've run out of other young brokers to sell their imaginary goods to and they've started cold calling ordinary people on the phone to ask if they want a share of the imaginary stuff that they are buying and then selling - I know this because at least once a week I take a call from some very excitable young person, sometimes American, sometimes British, and the call goes something like this ...

"Hi !!! "
"Hello"
"How are you today !!!"
"OK"
"Good, hey listen" (I hate it when people tell me to listen, just hate it), "Hey listen, I'm Elmer Fekkwittstein from United Corporate Buying Imaginary Stuff Corporation and Associates, and I want to tell you about..."
"No thank you"
"Pardon !!!"
"No thank you"
"I've got a great deal going down today on moonunit commodities, you may want to buy in with me !!!"
"No thank you"
"Why not !!! Its great !!! Its a great investment my friend!!!"
"I don't invest"
"You don't invest !!!"
"No"
"Oh !!!"

Phone line goes dead as either he or I put the phone down.

One day I will be in an evil enough mood to go along with the conversation, in the same way that one day I will be evil enough to go along with one of those letters from Nigeria that promise me zillions of dollars from a dead government officers slush fund if only I will hand over control of my bank account to a person who's identity I have no idea of - its the same thing.

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Which brings me back to my pensions.

Last month I mentioned just how well my pension plans seem to be going.

HM Government were promising me the excellent sum of £109.56 per week as a reward for having handed over some inconsiderable pittance of money to them over the 50 years that I would have been working by the time I earn the right to that kings ransom of a free income.

I also had a defunct pension plan with Friends provident who, and I am still staggered by the riches that await me, have promised me the grossly obscene sum of £55.12 per year as a pension.

But,

If that weren't enough I also have two other little beauties up my sleeve.

The female to whom I am betrothed and I have both been squirreling away the princely sum of £200 each, per month, into two seperate pension schemes which are administered by Nat West, our wankers - sorry, bankers.

With the tax relief added back in thats the equivalent of £240 per month - each - for about fifteen years now, with another fifteen years until I get to retire.

So I asked them for a statement.

And they've sent one statement - haven't sent mine yet, they've sent her's.

When she retires, they will take the sum of money that we've been handing over and in terms of today values they will pay her the staggering sum of £140 per month as a pension.

Wait,

Yes thats right, £140 per month.











No, I don't understand this investment lark either.








Lets look at that again.

You give me £240 a month for nigh on 30 years.

And when you reach 65 years of age, I give you back, £140 a month until you die.

So I get to keep all of your £240's for 30 years and I get to do with them whatever I want to do because you've signed a document giving me permission to "invest" the money, and I can "invest" the money in whatever I want for thirty years.

And then when you are 65 I have to give you £140 a month back.

And until you die, I am £100 a month up on the deal, for the next 30 years.







I think thats about the sum of it - have I missed anything ?











Would anyone like to invest in a pension scheme that I'm thinking of starting up ?