Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Hmmm, tagged...

by Island Girl...

Ten Things About Me...
(this could take some time)

1. I'm probably hearing impaired in my right ear, I say probably because no doctor has ever said "you are hearing impaired in your right ear" but I know I am because if I sleep on my left side then I cannot hear anything in the room, which is handy when your partner wants to watch tv in bed, in fact there are many advantages to being hearing impaired in one ear - you should try it.

The cause ?

When I was 11 years old I had really, really bad earache one christmas and to cure it I stuck a hairpin in my ear, it seemed like a good idea at the time, it ripped my eardrum to shreds so that a few years later a doctor said "I don't believe you" when I replied "No" to his original question of "Have you at any time in your life stuck a hairpin in your ear ?"

2. I've just sold the family business for £3 because the other choice was to let HM Revenue and Customs wind us up for a lot more money, I'm extremely happy with my choice and have no guilt in losing the family heirloom business in this way, the business that my grandfather started in 1923, the business that he would only work for cash for so that he never had to pay tax, he had the right idea but you can't do that now, not with a very expensive empire building campaign to maintain in Iraq and Afghanistan.

3. I am curently building a large decking structure in my new back garden, it was never meant to be this big and I can't stop it from growing now, its a monster that I have created, Suzanne thinks I know what I'm doing with it but the truth is that I've lost control now and I can't stop, I'm just making it up as I go along and she thinks I have some sort of masterplan for it, I lie when she asks "whats going here then" and I tell her "some planters and some trellis and some honeysuckle and jasmine" because in reality I'm not in charge of the nails and hammer any more, theres a joinery devil inside me thats taken over and I don't know where it all going to lead to.

Are you sure you want ten of these ?

4. When the company who have just bought my company sent me my new contract of employment, under the section that described my entitlement to a company car they stated that I could spend, exclusive of vat, maintenance and petrol, the sum of £700 per month on a lease. When we arrived at their offices to sign the contracts they laughed and said that of course it was a mistake and the real figure was in fact £350. A few hours later when I signed the contract I noticed that it still said £700 and so of course I said nothing, my current car lease finishes in October of this year and then I am going to spend all of the £700 per month on a Bentley, or maybe a Rolls Royce, or perhaps I'll get two ordinary cars instead and use them on alternative days, or I could lease five Fiat Cinqucento's and call them Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and use the bus on a weekend.

Yes I am so taking this seriously...

5. When I was 17 years old and during my first week at work in my first proper job I accidently set fire to the very expensive and very rare (in 1974) photocopier that was so expensive and so rare that we shared it with three other companies, I ran away and left it burning and five minutes later the fire alarm went off and we had to gather outside in the car park, "they'll never catch me alive" thought I but they found out it was me who did it because I had left the original paper document under the lid of the photocopier when I ran away, I recieved my first verbal warning for that.

6. I am currently six stones overweight according to the Tesco email Diet Plan, "lose weight for just £2.99 a week", but what do they know, I only told them how tall I was and what the circumference of my wrist was, they've never even seen a photograph of me, I think they are charlatans.

7. I worship at the altar of chocolate.

8. I have an intolorance to alcohol which crept up on me fifteen years ago resulting in me abstaining from the demon for five years until being sober got to be too boring. I can now manage on average two pints of beer before I start puking but sometimes I can slip several more under the radar and the brain misses them altogether, its on those nights that I think I am telling my funniest stories but no-one else agrees with me.

9. I wish I could play the piano, or keyboard of any description, and I can with one hand (right) but very badly and only selected tunes that I have recently been practising very hard with - the concept of using the left hand on the keyboard and/or what part of the tune it is supposed to be playing has bypassed me completely so I use it to turn over the sheet music pages instead.

10. I have a famous cousin in the music business, but he's not as famous as his partner, who is very famous in showbiz and TV presenting and I am invited to their wedding party next year but not to their actual wedding day which is on a carribean cruise ship at a cost of £7000 a head. I am glad that he did not invite me to the actual wedding.



Theres more...

You only have to ask...

I'm now going to tag my good friend and professional moaning bastard John_D who will probably pooh-pooh me, still, here goes...

3 comments:

John_D said...

10 things? Jeebus. Not sure there are ten things...

John_D said...

Happy now?

Island Girl said...

Thank you for your ten things!

Indeed, the £7000 wedding cruise would be a hell of a waste considering how much weight you could lose for that amount of money through the Tesco email diet plan. My maths isn't great but I'm thinking you could lose weight for over 2000 weeks for that money....