Thursday, May 24, 2007

It happens this way...

HM Government Cabinet Office
Minutes of Cabinet Meeting 24/05/07 9.00am

A full quorum of Ministers, excepting Deputy Leader John Prescott

9.01 The Prime Minister arrives to chair the meeting.
9.02 Prime Minister : Good Morning everyone, where's Prescott ?
9.02 Secretary for the Deputy PM : He says he can't be arsed Sir
9.02 PM : Why's that then ?
9.02 Sec DPM : He says you never ask him any questions anyway
9.02 PM : He knows why
9.02 Sec DPM : Yes he knows why, and he says to tell you "fuck you too"
9.02 PM : Strike that from the minutes please.

Prime Minister asks that the meeting be a quick one this morning as Cherie is at the hairdressers and he is supposed to be babysitting, the Minister for Women offers to babysit as she rarely takes an active role in these meetings but the PM declines stating that they are only 50 yards down the corridor, he's locked the room and he'll keep an eye on them every half hour or so.

9.03 PM : So, right then (smiles, glances around table) who's in charge of transport this week ?
9.03 Secretary for the Prime Minister : Douglas Alexander sir
9.03 PM : (whispers) Is that him there ?
9.03 Sec PM : (whispers) next but one
9.03 PM : Right Douglas, Doug, can I call you Doug ? Good, Doug, tell me again about this road charging

9.04 Secretary of State for Transport : Its very simple sir, we charge motorists for every mile that they drive
9.04 PM : How do we do that then
9.04 SSfT : Its very complicated sir
9.04 PM : Try me
9.04 SSfT : Well sir each car has a tracking device which is activated as the car moves along ...
9.04 PM : Right, right, yes, ok lets not get too technical then, so we charge them then ?
9.05 SSfT : Yes sir, we charge them for each mile they drive
9.05 PM : Excellent, did you hear that Gordon, more money (rubs hands)
9.05 Chancellor of the Exchequer : Yes Tony, its an excellent idea (licks lips)
9.05 PM : Right then, what shall we call this new tax, names everyone, round the table, we need a good name for this
9.05 SSfT : We had thought of calling it "The Road Tax" sir
9.05 PM : Excellent, thats a good one, that'll will do won't it Gordon ?
9.05 CotE : Not really Tony, we already have a road tax
9.05 PM : We already have a road tax, we need a new name everyone

9.10 PM : So we'll stick with "The Road Tax" then, everyone agreed ?
9.10 Chief Secretary to The Treasury : There is a concern sir that people will think we are charging them twice, especially if there are two taxes called "The Road Tax"
9.10 PM : Nonsense, they're two completely different things, one get charged annually the other gets charged by the mile
9.10 CStTT : Yes but they are both taxes targeted at your car
9.11 PM : I don't think you're following me here, yes they are both car taxes, but, erm, they are different, how are they different Transport Minister, Doug isn't it ?
9.12 SSfT : Yes sir its Doug, they are not different sir, we're going to charge people twice for the same thing
9.13 PM : Are we ?
9.13 SSfT : Yes sir
9.13 PM : Will that work ?
9.13 SSfT : We think so sir.
9.13 PM : Bloody hell thats good, did you hear that Gordon ?

9.20 PM : So any more good ideas for raising more taxes ?
9.20 Secretary of State for the Environment : We have an idea sir.
9.20 PM : (whispers) Whats his name ?
9.20 Secretary to the Prime Minister : David sir
9.20 PM : Go on then David, share it with us.
9.21 SSfE : We'd like to charge people for collecting their refuse
9.21 PM : Ha, ha, yes, thats a good one, any more ideas anyone ?
9.21 SSfE : Sir, we're serious, we'd like to charge people for collecting their refuse
9.22 PM : Look here, erm, David, its David isn't it, look here David, even I know that they already pay for refuse collection through their council taxes every year
9.22 SSfE : Yes sir, but thats once a year, what we'd like to do is charge them for every collection too
9.22 PM : Yes, I see, a bit like the road tax taxes then ?
9.22 SSfE : Thats right sir, we charge them once a year then charge them again for every collection
9.22 Chancellor of the Exchequer : (whispers) It could work Tony
9.22 PM : (whispers) Do you really think it could, I mean, are they that daft ?
9.22 CotE : (licks lips again) Yes Tony, I think they are.

It really does happen like this

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