Saturday, May 19, 2007

Gorilla on rampage

An 11 year old gorilla called Bokito escaped from its enclosure at Rotterdam zoo yesterday by somehow crossing the moat (they can't swim apparently) and during its freedom injuring several people who were daft enough to get in its way.

It must be awful.

Being a gorilla that is.

You sit in a concrete compound all day, a tyre and a football to play with, you're an 11 year old gorilla for gods sake and they think that you still play on swings and you don't even know what the football is because during your ancestors evolution they never invented football, it was the humans who did that.

So you go for a bit of a walk and it takes you precisely three minutes, you don't know that it takes you precisely three minutes because gorillas haven't invented watches yet and you don't know how many paces it takes to circumnavigate your compound because gorillas can't count - but you know that nothing has changed since the last time you paced your compound and you're bored.

So you sit down next to the bit of your compound that you're frightened of, the bit that seperates you from those bald monkeys who keep walking past and who seem to have a much bigger compound than you, they make a lot of noise too and they throw things at you and shout at you and generally seem to be unafraid of you when in reality you know that if you could only cross this awful stuff that seperates you then you'd be able to tear them limb fromlimb because they only look very skinny from where you are sitting.

And they have ice cream.

One of them threw an ice cream at you once and you ate it and it was delicious, far better than the old vegetables and scabby fruit that the ones behind the barriers leave in your cave every night, if you had ice cream every day it would be a different matter, you know its called ice cream by the way because the one that got thrown at you still had its wrapper on and of course gorillas can read, but just English, which is unfortunate being a gorilla in Rotterdam, and all.

And then one day you've had enough, its a warm day, there are lots of those bald monkeys over there, lots of small ones with ice cream, the only thing that stops you taking the ice cream off them is this stuff in front of you, this stuff that your DNA tells you is not to be fekked with, but theres ice cream over there.

So you put one foot in it and fekk me its cold, but so is ice cream and now you spot a small bald monkey with a particularly big ice cream and he's right in front of you just a short distance across this stuff - you put the other foot in and suddenly your underneath it and its cold and you can't see and you breath as normal and you find you cant, what the hell is this stuff, you thrash your arms around and you find that you're going back up and suddenly your head is above it and if you keep thrashing your arms around a bit you can ride on top of it and breath again, and its quite pleasant and you find that if you roll onto your back you've got the sun on your face and you can float along by simply revolving your arms over your head in a lazy motion, this is fun not dangerous and you've forgotten all about the ice cream, you've discovered the back crawl and as you drift slowly along your moat you imagine teaching the other gorillas to do this and you can have competitions to see who can do this the fastest and maybe another competition to see who can get into your moat in the most outrageous and splash-i-est way...

...and then one of those bald twat of a monkey's shoots you with a dart like they did when they moved you here and you're going to sleep doing the back crawl, and you're going under again and the last thign you hear is another bald twat of a monkey shouting "you fool Van Voltz, you should not have darted him while he was in the water, we're both in the shit now..."

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