News Scratchings...

England Cricket Coach Apologises

England cricket coach Duncan Fletcher who is curently leading the England cricket team on a tour of repeatative arse kickings in Australia today apologised for coaching a team of non-cricket players and then selecting them to play for England, at cricket.

Yesterday a game that was supposed to be a day/night game (ie it starts in daylight and finishes under floodlights), was all over so quickly that they didn't have to switch the floodlights on and the last five England batsmen only scored seven runs between them.

But its ok Duncan, no need to apologise.

We all think its hilarious back here, when someone says "England Cricket Team" you should see how we laugh.
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News of the World in phone tapping shock horror

British sunday sleaze newspaper The News of the World senior royal reporter Clive Goodman was jailed yesterday for tapping the mobile phone accounts of three royal aides in an attempt to drum up stories for his shite newspaper editor, who also resigned in the scandal, shock, horror, heads must roll, tragedy.

There are two suprising facts hidden in this story, the first being the question "why ?" - why would anyone want to buy a newspaper on a sunday morning that contains details of where the Princes William and Harry are going to be next week, and the second being the wages that News International are prepared to pay for the privelidge of employing the "security expert" who helped Goodman to listen in on another persons voicemail messages - £105,000 per year plus £500 a week in "expenses".

If Rupert Murdoch is interested in intercepting my voicemail for me then I'll do a deal for around half that price.
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Nicole Kidman in Zombie Car Crash Horror

And in a complete non-entity of a story, well overpaid actress Nicole Kidman, who's claims to fame include, erm .......google it, was yesterday involved in a terrible, horrific, well bad car accident which resulted in, erm, a street light sustaining some minor damage.

Shown in all its spine-chilling, horrific, detail all across the news channels yesteday, viewers watched in horror and shock, with chilled spines, as the truck on which sat the car that dear Nicole was pretending to be driving with zombies a-plenty hanging off the roof, swerved around a Los Angeles street corner, skidded a litle bit, and hit a lamp post, which was broken.

Poor, dear Nicole was helped from the car, that is the car that hadn't actually hit the lamp post but which had been on the truck that hit the lamp post, thats the car that she was inside whilst lots of stuntmen zombies were on the outside, thats the Jaguar car thats built like a brick shithouse that she was inside and wearing a seat belt - she was helped gingerley (see what I've done there, ginger huh ?) into an ambulance and rushed to hospital for a checkover where nothing at all was found to be wrong with her.

So - News editors question to the reporter - "Where the fuck is the story then ?"
Answer - "There isn't one but the film company want to pay us some money to advertise their forthcoming shite film"
Reply from News desk - "Put it on the front page"